confused is an understatement.

it's so hard to choose between two good things.

on one hand, i want to be a good - excuse me, the best - admin assistant. on the other hand, i want to be the most involved and active Human Nature Area Ambassador. but the sad thing is, i cannot be at two places at the same time. and to be the best in two things that i love - it makes me feel so bad that 1 thing has to be sacrificed for the other. i've always been the responsible kind of kid and knowing that i cannot deliver something that i've committed myself into is really making me feel guilty. and right now, i'm breathing in & exhaling guilt.

and what makes it even more bad is the fact that i know where i am supposed to go. and by making that decision, i feel like i'm making it look like the other things is less among my priorities. (nobody is actually telling me this but all this guilt is making me judge myself)

maybe, i'm being too hard on myself. people actually understand why i have to choose the other. it's me who's been to hard on myself - too hard for that matter.

i can still be both - i have committed myself to be. and right now, i know who needs me most now - the scholars. they need my time so that i they can enroll, so that they can study. and i also realized, i should really get my grip on time management and delegation thingie. i really thought i had it going when it come to it but i have a lot to master with these skills.

and on this note, i bid welcome to the thing called "enrollment days"! bring it on!

i'm not sad. it's the song.

i repeat. i'm not sad. there are just songs that make me sad. and here's my top 9 songs that whenever i hear them, i can't help but feel blue and cry like crazy. just click on the song title and it'll direct you to the song on video - that is if you want to feel emo-ish for tonight :)

9) i'll say goodbye for the two of us - expose
When you wake up
And find me gone tomorrow,
Don't think I meant to hurt you
I just did what we knew I had to do

Oh, and all the time we knew
The time was never right for us,
Time to leave this love behind
I could never leave you,
Baby, if I see you cry

I'll say good-bye for the two of us
Tonight while you're asleep
I'll kiss you softly one last time
And say good-bye like I know we must
There's just no other way
And I couldn't bear to see your heart break
So I'll wait 'til you're asleep to say good-b
ye

8) if the feeling is gone - kyla
if the feeling is gone
please don't pretend
that you still love me

i can see it in your eyes
and it hurts to admit
i can tell that the feeling is gone

all I ask is just a little honesty
though I know that you're not
coming back to me

you know that i'd do anything
to make you stay
but i just have to let you know
if the feeling is gone

7) paalam na - rachel alejandro
Nais ko lang malaman mo
Laman ng aking puso
Baka di na mabigyan ng ibang pagkakataon
Na sabihin ito sa `yo
`Di ko ito ginusto
Na tayo'y magkalayo
Nguni't di magkasundo
Damdamin laging `di magtagpo ohh
Paalam na aking mahal
Kay hirap sabihin
Paalam na aking mahal
Masakit isipin na kahit nagmamahalan pa
Puso't isipa'y magkaiba
Maaring `di lang laan sa isa't isa

Sana'y huwag mong isipin
Na pag-ibig ko'y di tunay
Dahil sa `yo lang nadama
Ang isang pag-ibig na walang kapantay
Nguni't masasaktan lang ang puso ang pagbibigyan
Kahit pamamaalam ang siyang bulong ng isipan
Paalam na aking mahal
Kay hirap sabihin
Paalam na aking mahal
Masakit isipin na kahit
nagmamahalan pa
Puso't isipa'y magkaiba
Maaring `di lang laan sa isa't isa
You came along, unexpectedly
I was doing fine in my little world
Oh baby please don't get me wrong
'Cause I'm not complaining
But you see, you got my mind spinning

Why can't it be
Why can't it be the two of us
Why can't we be lovers
Only friends
You came along
At a wrong place, at a wrong time
Or was it me


5) 5:19 - matt wertz
I'd be lying through my teeth if I told you
That I'm ok
July came, I thought I had it all together
Until you said
"I need some space"
Truth be told
It's so hard to wait

One eye on the clock
And one on the phone
It's 5:19....
I'm feeling alone
If I could talk to you
I'd want you to know
I'm holding loose
But ain't letting go.


4) baby don't you break my heart slow - vonda shepard

I was believing in you
Was I mistaken do you mean
Do you mean what you say
When you say our love could last forever

But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow


3) let the pain remain- lea salonga

so goes, my life
still believe in dreams of having you around
too bad, memories feed the mind and not the heart
where i want you to be,
so i ask myself what you've left behind for me
to go on each day and live as if
i have you once again
what else is there that's real
but all the pain that i feel

so let the pain remain
forever in my heart
for every throb it brings is one more moment
spent with you,
i let the pain, bring on the rain
if that's the only way
if there's no other way
to be with you again


2) is there something - christopher cross
Lately I see clouds of sorrow in your eyes
Some deep sadness you can never quite disguise
Now I'm scared to ask what it's leading to
But I'm more afraid of not asking you
Is there something that you want to tell me
Is there something that I ought to know
Are we something that's still worth fighting for
Or should I simply let you go
Is there something I can do to reach you
Are we something more than history


AND THE NUMBER TEAR-JERKER SONG FOR ME IS.......

1) there's no easy way - james ingram
I held her close to me
Coz I know she breaks so easily
And then I told her
Though I knew no matter how I tried to console her
Then she'd do the best she could
But there are times the best is no damn good
And no matter how you try to be kind
There's always still a part of you you'll leave behind
When they fall apart
There's no easy way to break somebody's heart.

I lied and told her she'll be fine
Though we both knew it was just a lie
I had to do it
Coz I had said anything to help me get through it.
And she reached out for my hand
And her simple touch was more than I could stand
And I had to turn away coz I knew
All the hurt that she was feeling, I was feeling too
When they fall apart
There's no easy way to break somebody's heart.

She could've gotten angry
And made me feel like a guilty child
But I realized that never was her style
I wanted her to hurt me
And not treat me like a friend
I wanted her to say "there'd be someday
I'd come crawling on my knees to ask her back again"
But she acted like a lady till the end
Oh, what a lady!

I thought that she'd bring down
But she smiled at me and never made a sound
And I guess she understood in her way
Coz her silence told me everything she could not say
When they fall apart
There's easy way to break
There's just no easy way
There's no easy way to break somebody's heart...


TISSUES PLEASE. *sniff sniff*

PS: i listen to sad songs when i'm too happy or excited. it calms me down. hehe. sounds silly but it's true. and what about when i'm sad? when i'm sad, i listen to loud music like alternative or dance music. ok, i'll go back to crying...

the 25 things?

this was originally from facebook. i was supposed to upload it there but it's acting weird again so i decided to post it here. i've actually done this before and i've decided to take a different way of doing it. in tagalog, para maiba naman. lol.

1) FACT: i cry over movies with animals, be it animated or not. shamelessly, i cried over kingkong. and yos was like, "why are you crying?" who wouldn't?! kingkong was innocent!

2) WORDS OF WISDOM: embrace your mistakes. take them as lessons and use them as inspiration to do better next time. from the words of bo sanchez, see everything in life as preparation.

3) LESSONS LEARNED: i've learned that sometimes, quitting leads to success. just know when and what to quit.

4) WORDS I LIVE BY: one of the most powerful wealth belief i've learned: everything i need comes to me! (from audio talks of bo sanchez)

5) WORDS OF WISDOM: while it is true that nobody can change a person, but it is possible to give someone the inspiration to make them realize the best of who they are and what they can be.

6) WORDS OF WISDOM: never underestimate the power of your dreams and imagination.

7) WORDS OF WISDOM: prayers and hard work are the best tools in life.

8) WORDS OF WISDOM: live life in gratitude.

9) WORDS OF WISDOM: a truly beautiful person loves and finds inner peace on who truly she is (skin color, height and other physical attributes) and spreads this peace, transformed into love to everyone.

10) GOAL: our future home will be eco-friendly - open air and natural lighting as much as possible, plastic free, with veggies garden and will practice rainwater harvesting.

11) FACT: if there is something that i don't rush myself, its crossing the street. particularly in our street where 10-wheeler trucks are regulars.

12) FACT: if there are some childish things that i cannot give up, it's my huge like for crime stories particularly TV show Criminal Minds and the anime Detective Conan and detective books particularly those of agatha christie. probably my fascination for human psychology (which i want earn some units with) makes me like them so much. and another childish thing i can't seem to let go is reading mangas. the good thing is i only read 2 of them: Gakuen Alice & Codebreaker. so if they end, i will not read anything else again. unless diana will find me a really worthy one to waste my time with. hahaha.

13) GOAL: finish a 10K marathon :)

14) FACT: i only have 1 pair of brand new hava's and i bought it because i was embarrased to say no to the seller (which is a great lesson learned, hehe). my other pairs (only 3) were all bought 2nd hand. buying 700++ for a slipper is insane. it does not feel right when a lot of kids have no shoes.

15) WORDS I LIVE BY: real love is about dirty hands, not beating hearts...(bo sanchez)

16) FACT: taking medicines actually scares me, especially antibiotics. that is 1 reason why i am paranoid when someone sneezes or coughs and especially when my throat start to hurt.

17) GOAL: visit all cities in the philippines! woo hoo!

18) FACT: pizza. pasta. i can eat them everyday. thankfully i don't. but i would gobble them everyday if we are in a make-believe world where we eat and eat and never get fat & sick.

19) GOAL: own an all-white cat. nothing of those fancy breed (they are so expensive!) - i just want a plain white cat. i'd be very happy if you would give me one :)


20) CRAZY IDEAS: when i was a kid, i wished for a TV or a magazine where you can just grab anything you like. hahaha. hey, admit you did too. i remember i made this wish when i saw an ad about polly pockets. haha.

21) FACT: i've stopped drinking coffee and softdrinks since i was in 4th year high school. although there are times i allow myself to get a gulp or two with softdrinks - there are really days that a carbonated drink is the best way to get rid of that thirst..but i try to limit it to once a month. that is why, starbucks has no appeal to me because i don't drink coffee.

22) FACT: ....but as much as im good with the no-coffee & softdrinks thing, I CAN EAT ANYTHING SWEET! but when i got acute tonsillopharyngitis (sorry if it's misspelled, tee hee!) this year, i was forced to cut it down. a struggle ever since.

23) GOAL: i want to retire early from my professional career and be a full-time volunteer to my chosen ministry.

24) CRAZY IDEAS: i really hate cigarette smoke! it gives me a headache. and i guess everybody knows that second-hand smoke is more dangerous. i wish there was some kind of mask bubble for all smokers. the idea is that smokers alone, can inhale all the smoke. that should do it. it would go something like this. hahaha. sorry for the ugly drawing. not my talent, i admit. but i hope you got the idea.

25) GOAL: eat okra. i eat all veggies but this one, i just can't seem to make myself.

the best of them all... (manila 2010)

i had more fun memories from my 4 day trip than anything else. i refuse to focus on the negativity of manila (read: dishonest taxi drivers) because that would be no fun for me.

1) the Human Nature Summit and the Search for the Human Nature National Ambassador
what's not to like about it? it was the best thing in the world! meeting inspiring people and listening to them is heart-warming. and the girls (my fellow area ambassadors) were all nice. it was never a competition - we were just a group of girls having fun. congratulations to marylaine viernes for winning the human nature national ambassador. you truly deserve it may :)

Area Ambassadors with Global Ambassador Ms. Rachel Grant (L-R: Dindi-Mandaue, MJ-Tacloban, Angel-Laguna, Dawn-Cebu, Rachel Grant-Global Ambassador, May-National Ambassador & Metro Manila South, Devi-Davao, Cecile-San Fernando, Ingrid-Metro Manila North, Roselle-Iloilo, Gillian-Naga & Max-CDO)
(sigh) i miss the girls..

2) my make-up was done by camille meloto
the genius behind love mineral make-up..i actually prayed that camille will do my make up and it did happen. wee!

with my make-up artist, camille meloto. it was my pleasure to have my make-up done by her.

3) meeting Gawad Kalinga Founder, Mr. Tony Meloto. he will always be one of the people that i look up to. he continues to inspire me and yos to do our best to serve others. also meeting Human Nature President, Anna Meloto-Wilk & her husband, Vice President of Human Nature, Mr. Dylan Wilk. and their daughters too. such charming little girls. and of course, meeting face to face global ambassador ms. rachel grant. too bad i don't have a solo photo with her. but i believe i will see her again.
one of our inspiration: Mr. Tony Meloto, Gawad Kalinga Founder


also one of the people i look up to - Mr. Dylan Wilk, Vice-President of Human Nature Phils and her charming daughters, Ariel (the cute girl doing the korean pose) and Chloe
4) my question was given by ms. susie abrera of unang hirit. whew! it was a good thing my mind did not block out from nervousness or excitement by simply being on the same stage with her. and she is so good with hosting: realxed, witty and funny..

5) our manila based friends who took their time to see us: paulette & jericho, pansit & roda, vhong, nate, edsel, andrew & kristal, roy, archie, paolo & pids! it was nice seeing you guys again.

talking & laughing till dawn. thank you for the pimples guys. all worth it! hahaha!

6) my love minerals make-up from Human Nature!
it's free and best of all - all organic and natural for every kikay girl. watch out for it as it comes out in november. aside from the harry potter movie in november, Love Minerals is making me squirm in excitement. and i would actually be happier if i actually received my free stuff from HN. please?! hehehe.
7) my bouquet, sash & plaque..
the bouquet actually made my trip going home really difficult. batet and yos was all for leaving the bouquet behind and i was like, NO WAY! it was my first mala-beauty queen bouquet and leaving it behind was out of the question. hahaha.

this is actually the reason why i did not bring too many pasalubongs. my 1 hand was committed to bringing the bouquet. hahaha!

8) finally being able to visit AdMU..3 more ateneo schools to go in the philippines - naga, iloilo and xavier. and i suddenly remembered i forgot to take my photo with st. ignatius over there. tsk tsk.

9) alone time with yos..we actually had alone time together. we visited GK Expo and went around QC Circle. hahaha, maid-boy kaayo ug date. too bad he had to catch his plane at 5 and that is the reason why i wanted to kick myself right now..at the church of Gesu


10) my biodegrable spoon and fork from bioware! admu had a green exhibit and i just had to buy them! all for 40 pesos. being green is really cool! :)

bad, worse and the worst

this entry will highlight the things that i hated about my manila trip. their numbers don't take up my whole fingers so no need to worry about bad publicity. hahaha. i will just take them as lessons learned. at most.

1) taxi drivers and their i-wont-give-your-change-attitude
what is up with this?! i felt that 75% of my pocket money went to paying fares for our taxi rides or rather being cheated out of it. i don't mind the 5 peso but a 20 is pocket-pain. my scary experience was i had to meet pids at MOA, i had to keep checking the taxi meter. my bills were in big amounts and 2 one hundred bills. i told myself that i'd really get out of the taxi and walk if i had to because i don't want to give him my 200 if i exceeded 100 because i knew he would never give me my change. and the experience that really pissed me off was the taxi i took going to the airport. he turned off his taxi meter before i had the chance to see it. so i had no choice but to pay him 100 pesos. i knew it was just around 60pesos because i took yos to the airport the day before. GRRR! it was a good thing pids was the practical one. we took the bus during our tour around the city. and i had to make him take me home because i forgot the place. that is why, i decided to do everything to make all davao city drivers honest. whenever they try to shell out more from you (especially when you come from the airport), jot down their names and tell them that you will report them to LTFRB. sir bong had the same experience and they had to go through court hearings. anyway, that is what taxi meters are for, right?! yes, enough of my manila taxi trauma. hahaha. and another lesson, always bring bills and loose change.

2) overspeeding and traffic
aside from the shocking 70 pesos flag down and 4 peso rate of airport taxis, traffic welcomed us with a warm hug. boo. and mind you, the speeding never seems to bother them. and cars are so near with each other, you can actually touch the windows of the vehicle beside you. we actually got in an accident on our way to the branch office. see?

3) this is not a bad thing but actually just an observation...mcdo and jollibee are the central conveniences of davao. they are at every corner. whew! and they are actually together. i wonder who follows the other? haha.

4) im not a fan of mall of asia. you just go round and round and round till your feet hurt. it took me an hour to actually find krispy kreme store. it was such a hassle.

5) the term "duol lang na diri" (malapit lang yan dito) takes on a whole new meaning in manila. hahaha.

6) ANG PANGHI-PANGHI SA KANTO NG HOTEL NA TINULUYAN KO. MARYOSEP!

7) cebu pacific shattered the frame of my certificate. fail.

(sigh) okay...i think i had written enough. i'm on to writing the good stuff now. hahaha.

while on a trip..blogger is still on the move!

these were my blogs during our flight going to manila, while waiting to pick my question for the national search and the endless waiting for my flight home.

(thoughts on plane, 10/8/2010)
one thing you should know about me is that i can't sleep on travels. it's like some sort of alertness is in me whenever im on a bus or plane. and since planes are conducive to writing, might as well do something productive.

whew! a day more and it will be the Search for the Human Nature National Ambassador. i am actually nervous. my greatest fear is actually not being able to answer the question - or my mind goes blank on stage. i do not want to add another entry to my most embarrasing moment.

i never thought i'd come this far. i was contented to be a dealer for Human Nature. i was honing my skills in selling and marketing. i already have books to read up to improve my skills. when i first came across the search, i wanted to apply for fun's sake. since im a frustrated beauty queen - being 5 flat footed (hangyo pa na! hahaha!) gives you that frustration actually. anyway, while going through the application and requirements, i realized it would steal time from promoting, talking to prospects and other work-related stuff i was busy with, i decided to forget the fun. then a month after giving up the idea, i got a call from karina asking me if i was still interested to apply for the local ambassador position. since that time i was not that busy, i decided to go to the interview - again, for fun's sake. after my interview, mam monique told me that i was qualified for the search for human nature local ambassador. if i remember correctly, that was september 18. the search was to be on september 25 during the dealer's assembly. at the back of my mind, i was still doing it for fun's sake. i was excited to the prospect of being in a "sort-of" pageant. and exactly on the evening of sept 20 - i received the call from mam monique - telling me that they decided to forego the search and chose me to be the area ambassador for davao city. i was shocked and so thrilled. i knew i sounded a bit off to mam monique that time. i was actually crying because i was so happy.
(sigh)
those were really fun moments to reminisce. and here i am now, boarded on this plane (with yos sleeping soundly at the window seat, hmph!) on my way to manila to represent davao city. woo hoo! alright, i'm getting the prepare for descent over the PA system. bye!

"the riddles of God are more satisfying than the solutions of man..."
(chesterton)


***

(the waiting, 10/9/2010)
in an hour or so, im going up that stage. this is probably the most nerve-wracking wait i've done - at least for now, let's be clear on that. haha. i never imagined that at 28, i'd still be given a chance to walk on stage like a beauty queen. and to top that, being able meet a lot of wonderful people. i am just thankful for being a part of this. the thoughts in my mind right now are downright silly..

"thank you Lord for the winning question.." (yes, i actually prayed this. hehe.)

wait, i'm going to pick my question. be right back...

(after picking the question)
yes, our questions are given 20 minutes before the actual interview. the organizers understood that we are all first timers here (most of us anyway), so they probably do not want us to be really nervous on stage. and my question is...

HOW CAN YOU CONVINCE PEOPLE TO STOP POLLUTION & STOP ENVIRONMENTAL DESTRUCTION?

gotta run. i have to organize my thoughts for this. and we'll be on stage in few minutes or so. this is it! good luck to me! :)

***

(alone in manila - i'm homesick!, 10/11/2010)
why? why? WHY? why did i have to book the 7:25 flight today? i should taken the earliest afternoon flight. now i'm stuck, all alone in manila. i feel so homesick right now. i want to cry! i don't have the drive to go to malls. being in a taxi stresses me out. just refer to my next blog. hehehe. but i'm the girl who finds good in everything. i feel homesick but im a bit glad for the long stretch of me-time. gives me time to write all the blogs that i should be writing and get the relaxing mood before i get back to work. oh well, gotta get to writing now. yey!

of gratitude and thank you's

i never really got the chance to extend my thanks to a lot of people...i owe it to everyone and i want to dedicate this blog to all of you.

i want to say thank you to my Father in Heaven for the overwhelming opportunities that has come my way. i am also thankful for the people He blessed me with - to help me, assist and encourage me.

a lot of thanks and love to my family especially for their unwavering support and prayers.

thank you human nature - davao (Green Kreations, Inc) especially to mam monique, sir rick, mam joy & mam sylvia for the opportunity to be part of something so wonderful and fulfilling. i had fun and at the same time, i have learned a lot. it is my pleasure to give my time and efforts to nation-building.

thank you karina camille for all the assistance. thanks for keeping me company at the dressing room. it helped me ease my nervousness.

thank you yos for taking a leave from work to accompany me in my "career". hahaha. your presence has given me the strength the whole time. thank you for believing in me :)

also giving my thanks to batet who joined me in my trip too. thank you too for accompanying me in shopping for my clothes and my shoes. i'm sorry i was not able to keep you company during your shopping. we'll do it next time, okay?

thank you KC for the fashion tips and for lending me some accessories. thank you frani for the beauty queen tips. hahaha.

a big thanks to sir igy and mam pam, the people who introduced me to human nature.

rona....salamat kaayo sa pag-edit sa akong mga photos. hahaha.

thank you sir bong for the admu insiders and especially the gift certificate of the hotel i stayed at last sunday.

thank you to all who wished me luck especially to kai, lynith, kimmy, hannah, wendie, tiny, robbie, leggy, mam bimbay, mam beth, mam tess, diana...everyone. im sorry i can't remember everybody but my heart is with you.

to roy, archie and paolo - thank you for being our tour guides. let us not forget the "CIVET" tribe of paolo. hahahahaha!

to paulette & jericho who took their time to see us, thanks so much. also, salamat pauletta sa pag-accomodate sa among mga kagamitan. hahaha. by the way, you still owe me my accessory.

daghan salamat pidang for taking me to the fort - i had a nice time "climbing" with you. hehe. next stop is polu kai, alright?

thank you to pansit & roda, andrew & kristal, nate, vhong and edsel for the time. napuyat ako ng todo sa inyo. at sumakit tenga ko sa ingay ni andrew. haha. but i had fun. gosh, i missed those times here in davao.

thank you also to Human Nature Manila, especially to Ms. Joanna for taking care of us. it was our pleasure to meet all of you.

to my fellow area ambassadors - Marylaine (Congrats for winning the Natl. Ambassador), Ingrid, MJ, Angel, Dawn, Max, Roselle, Cecile, Gillian and Dindi...it was an honor meeting all of you. hope we all keep in touch. i had the most wonderful time with you girls..

thank you camille meloto :) it was an honor to have my make-up done by you. before the event, i prayed na sana ikaw yung make-up artist ko. and it did happen.

i hope i didn't leave anybody out. im truly sorry if i did, hehe. as i've said, i did not win, but i've won the things i've really prayed for.

lots of love,
devi :)

on the 1st day of october....

....i gave my heart away.

and 7 years later, the same man still holds my heart.

some people told me that it's a bit difficult to commit to a man who was 3 years younger. they insist that him being a student still and me a new graduate, our priorities were a lot different. even my mom hinted that we would never get along.

I AM THANKFUL I WAS CRAZY ENOUGH NOT TO BELIEVE THEM. my feelings for yos were not that intense when i agreed to be his girlfriend. but i liked the guy who was brave enough to pursue me. haha.

everyday, i thank God for Yos. we are both changed people because of what we have learned from each other. while it is true that nobody can change a person - but it is possible to have someone give you the courage to become the best that you can be. it is possible to have someone believe in you, and the good that you can do.

our anniversary is not counting the years we have been together, but it serves as our promise of the good and wonderful things that we are to experience and share together, the dreams that we are to fulfill and the lives that we are to touch.

happy anniversary bäby. you and me and the world :)

"real love is about dirty hands, not beating hearts...."
(bo sanchez)

- FriendS -