letting small things go and LETTING MY BIG GOD DO

yesterday, i had a "date" with an angel named alex.
we did prenatal yoga (which ended into a 1 on 1 thing) first and i drifted to a short nap at the end. thank God for that nap, alex. it really refreshed and gave me back my dwindling positivity and energy. i had been on a on and off sad and happy, worried/panicked and calm state for the past few days as you all know (or for those who read my blog anyway..) and that yoga really put me back on my road :)

then, we had tea (nursing support tea, of course! so good!) and alex offered to massage my feet (to my total embarrassment) but she insisted and you know, i just can't say no to a really good foot massage. haha. and the rest was just spent on chatting. it's just so weird, i mean, weird in a positive way. i met alex in my child birthing classes and we chatted like we've known each other for a long time. the journey of motherhood (or parenthood for that matter) is not lonely, and will never be, i guess. i am really grateful to God for giving me and Y the opportunity to become a better person as a mother, or as parents for that matter.

thank you so much alex for the time and all those words of encouragement and stories. i wish everyone could be as encouraging and positive as you. i owe you an attendance in a mommy meet. and i would have a really great story to share :)

later that night, i realized (and i told my husband Y) that the main reason that i am constantly worrying is that the pressure i have been carrying and hearing everywhere. but you know, it's hard to turn on deaf ears over everybody's opinion - because everybody has one. anyway, husband has always been great with me. we talked over some possibilities and i realized that if there's one thing that i should never forget, i have an angel always with me - my husband. and of course, my daughter who is now 39 weeks and 5 days - and coming out soon! we just realized that Saree just cannot be bullied into coming out. she knows when she is ready :)

this morning, while on the road going to work, i said this prayer...it's like a release for me, an embrace of the wonderful things that will come my way..

Lord,
we are your wonderful creation. You created us beautifully - each of us. You made my body in Your perfection - perfect to carry my daughter Saree and bring her into this world. You created Saree perfectly too - healthy, strong and vibrant with life. forgive me Lord for always always forgetting You are bigger than everything else. Lord, i surrender all my fears and worries. help me believe that everything is perfect in Your time. i should never forget that everything in my life is an opportunity to love more and believe more in You and Your faithfulness.

thank you Lord for sustaining us, for being our Great Provider. my life is filled with miracles and how could i let these things make me forget about Your Glory. You have always been faithful and good, even if we are not.

Lord, give me the strength to to believe in You whenever i feel doubts and fears. i believe in You, Lord. i claim that You will bless us our life and You will use us to share Your Glory to Your people.

Amen.


39 weeks

honestly, i did not want to write this but i need an outlet. i really tried to be positive about everything and i am still, but as the song goes, "even the best fall down sometimes.."

i cannot believe that i would reach 39 weeks into my pregnancy. i am 6 days away from my expected date of delivery and believe me, nothing has been scary more than anything else than this.

major decisions have to be made. my latest ultrasound showed Saree already at 7 pounds (which is pretty big for a petite me..) and OB is scared that i might go into CS if she gets even bigger - and she is still actually growing every minute she stays in my womb. but she is confident i can handle normal delivery because she knows i took childbirthing classes. but, things took a different turn when during my last prenatal check, i was still at 1 cm. my baby is not coming down to my cervix and she grew again, based on my fundal height. OB talked to me seriously. you know the kind of talk where you sense it's really that serious. i am not progressing - i remained at false labor. there is a huge possibility that i might be induced to labor. and whatever happens to that inducement will decide whether i progress to natural delivery or CS. i have the option to wait until 41 weeks but i would not have the choice of delivery - it would be definitely CS because of Saree's size.

i felt my world crumbling down. i felt crying at that time but i held my ground because i know the OB was explaining facts and options to me. deep in my heart i know how medical interventions lead from one thing to another. i was also told that once i'm induced, i am given 6 hours to progress in my labor. if i stayed small (like 4 cm), then definitely i will go through CS. Saree and me are both OK and healthy but some things are just not compatible between us - her not coming down to my cervix and my small body and Saree's size.

but when i got back to my office, i broke down into tears. i could not believe that everything is not going as i imagined. i had mentally prepared myself for those moments where i would do my breathing exercises while dealing with my contractions, together with my coach husband. i had imagined Saree being placed in tummy after i push her with all my might, hearing her cry and hugging her for the first time, while doing our skin to skin contact. i could actually imagine her mouth latching on to my breast. i felt like a disappointment to Saree and to my husband. i cried to myself that day and i cried to my husband that night and even until now, i break down everytime i think of what i am going to miss if i go through CS. you might say that i am crazy to endure that pain, to actually want to go through it. yes, i have prepared myself for it. yes, i am that crazy.

just this afternoon, i thought about Saree staying in the nursery while i stay in the recovery room. and i broke down into tears again. i wanted her roomed in with me, with us. hubby and i were willing to pay arm and leg for a private room just to have her with us all the time.

suddenly, i felt mad at myself. mad for eating that extra cup of ice cream, that chocolate, for indulging a bit. i should have deprived myself of sweets and stuck to eating healthy. i felt mad at my small body because i cannot seem to make her go down to my cervix. i feel mad at myself for not taking really long walks after my 36th week, exercising when i should have - i feel mad for myself for not being extra prepared for this. i felt mad at myself for not praying to God everyday. i felt that i was being extra confident that yos and i can handle everything.

right now, i am focused on my exercises. yos and i are still trying to make her go down. we don't lose hope easily. and every night, we talk to Saree. asking her to come down and come out. i am still asking God to grant me a normal delivery, even if i go through induction. yes, i believe in miracles. nothing is impossible with God.

and i want to thank Alex for being a really good rah-rah girl. she's my facilitator in our childbirthing class and she has been supportive. thank you so much alex for that timely call. i was just going to message you in facebook about my worries and you called. thank you for believing in me.

and my husband has always been a source of strength. he massages my pressure points every night (acupressure which i read in the net) even though he is sleepy already. always telling me that we are going to be fine. he even walks with me every morning even though he is already running late for work.

"i know that when i look to the Lord, however perilous or uncertain the path, the endings are always happy."
(lallaine gogna, didache)

this versus that and other stuff

38 weeks and 3 days. my body is screaming already - i want to give birth. i feel so ready but i guess Saree is holding on a bit. i think she already has picked a date and she just wants us to take in for a surprise. husband and i are talking to her every night, telling her she can come out now because we are ready for her. *sigh* i'm actually doing looooong walks now, climbing up and down stairs for two days. i'm planning to go swimming and do meditation for 2 days - anything to make her wiggle down my pelvis.

and goodness, i'm having allergy attacks. my hands and feet in particular - ok, make that my whole body. i normally would let this pass but i cannot sleep at night. i decided to take antihistamine prescribed by my OB. it doesn't make the itch go away but it does make me drowsy enough to forget the itch.

and my temper, it's at a certain point most of the time. ugh.

anyway, enough of my 38 weeks woe.

right now, i am always arguing with my mom. sure, i love her and her support nowadays is really much needed. anyway, it all started with baby clothes shopping and we would argue on what to pick and what to use. and since i have zero idea on what to buy, i usually end up agreeing with her. the topic we really argued most is about breastfeeding. she refuses to believe exclusive breastfeeding until 1 year old she says it's not enough and we will be forced to feed Saree some formula. but i am insistent. in fact, she was like - you can't handle breastfeeding. but i want to. husband and i want to do give Saree the best milk there is. she gave up on arguing with me and we bought a breast pump but she still insists that i cannot breastfeed anymore once i go back to work. i have to give Saree baby formula. at this point of my pregnancy, i choose to keep quiet. arguing would make me more tired.

please don't get me wrong. i really love my mom and i really appreciate everything she has done for me but i need a break from all this criticism. it's making me anxious.

add to the fact that i am worried over my latest sonogram. according to my OB, Saree is a bit big and she is growing continuously every minute she stays in my stomach. i tried my best to be calm about this. but it's scaring me emotionally. husband is not worried but i am. *sigh*

i think it's a wise decision for me to take a break for two days.

thoughts on my 38th week

yes, 38 weeks already and Saree is not yet out. we actually asked her to come out after march 19 and maybe tomorrow she will. he he. (i am actually hoping on the 21st, i have tons of bank transactions tomorrow..ha ha.)

i just got back from my weekly prenatal and my OB was kind of shocked i gained 2 kilos in 1 week and my fundal height increased in 1. i was ordered for a sonogram in an instant.

thank God everything is OK. but Saree has reached her maximum weight. she cannot gain weight anymore. now i am really regretting the cups of ice cream i ate over at batet last saturday. *sigh* i have to go on diet and strictly no more sweets. i should not have indulged in them last week. i kept thinking i just wanted to enjoy my last weeks of pregnancy and ate anything. *sigh* big mistake. ok, i'm in a diet now. back to plain and unsweetened crackers.

and i think i have to cut back on my afternoon naps. (yawn) this is something i will have difficulty with. i am always sleep derived because of my 38th week symptoms that has been driving me crazy (and my husband too). everything is just so uncomfortable now, i swear.

numbs hands is on 24/7. though i have bore them gracefully - i persist on writing and typing despite the fact they don't feel right. and weird. and really difficult. and they are worse in the evenings, i tell you.

and the super annoying itchiness i feel all over my body everyday particularly at night: my feet, my hands my head, my neck...............everywhere. i am getting allergic reactions and i don't know why. i'm going to take the med my doc gave me. she even told me i am the first patient to complain about this itchiness. i even told her that the breeze i went through for the past 8 months is now catching up on me.

i'm not complaining, it's just that whew, i have not expected this kind of uncomfort. but as i've said, Saree is worth it. every time she makes those movements, her daddy is really happy.

Ok, it's time for our daily talks about coming out. will talk it with her tonight.

ok, this blog has to be cut short. i have duties to fill. my boutiques needs to be taken care of.

how Mommy and Daddy prepared for Saree, part 2

part 2 of our fun preparations to the wonderful journey of parenthood..i am actually rushing these posts because i'm already on my 37th week and these wonderful thoughts might not get posted. so please don't get confused if my thoughts seem to be everywhere, jumping from 1 idea to another. he he.

i am actually getting teary-eyed through my smiles, imagining that 10-12 years from now, our daughter will be reading this posts of mine. *sigh*

HOSPITAL TOUR
nothing could be more scary than being in a hospital, especially in an unfamiliar place called maternity ward. i am really glad that our childbirth preparation classes provided us with a hospital tour in our choice of birthing place. it also helps me more confident about giving birth.

our choice of hospital is Brokenshire Hospital, because i am a bit familiar with the fact that the hospital is open to couples who took up Lamaze. and i think we chose well.

this is Daddy trying out his scrub suit for the hospital tour. haha. bagay ka pala maging doctor, engineer. ha ha.
the couples doing hospital tour, together with the staff of Brokenshire.
the IE room. probably the least favorite room, ha ha. been IE'd when i entered my 36th week, not my favorite thing in the world, believe me. but i survived it.
one of the Lamaze room - exclusive to couples who took Lamaze classes. this is where i have to deal with my contractions. he he.
would you call me crazy if i say that i am actually looking forward to dealing with my contractions here? i am actually excited to use the birthing ball. ha ha. i wish our birth places have tubs. i saw a birthing room with one - a mom soaked in a tub while dealing with her contractions. that must have felt nice.

this is the main labor room, particularly for those mothers who did not take Lamaze classes. seems quiet, right? there was only 1 mom there, during our tour. the downside about this is that husbands are not allowed to stay with you all the time.
the delivery room - this room scared me a little but you know, this is probably the final leg of the race and it's finally seeing your little bundle after nine months of waiting...
the room for the babies - i kind of forgot the name..
anyway, it was a  nice experience. we actually asked everything we could remember - but we totally forgot to ask what food will be allowed in the Lamaze room. sheesh. the hospital tour actually gave us the opportunity to ask, including the fees. and it's not that cheap, mind you. husband and i were contemplating on getting birthing packages but we decided not to. we wanted to go through the experience - to learn as much as we could and then get confident about it. a lot may disagree with us (i mean, we chose to spend higher than the most one would spend) but i know it will be all worth it. our Saree is worth it :)

once again, thank you alex of The Pod for this experience.

help called it quits. just perfect.

today, our household help decided to call it quits on us. according to her, she cannot handle the "mingaw" anymore. i believe the "mingaw" is a combination of homesickness and boredom.

*sigh*

i never thought getting household help includes providing them entertainment. but then again, our household help is young and young people have this tendency to get restless easily. the silence of our house and being alone for almost 8 hours everyday must have driven her to the edge.

i felt like a failure. i mean, i've shared so many stories about being persevering despite the loneliness and homesickness, being tough despite the difficulty of work and a lot of inspiring stories to make her aware that we need to make big sacrifices to be successful. but she prefers to go back home, to her comfort zone.

i felt sad because we really wanted to help her, the way she had greatly helped us. but i think she can't handle the burden of sacrifice.

*sigh*

and she decided to call it quits just when i'm ready to give birth. just perfect.

morning thoughts

a friend and i have been talking and after our short chat, i realized a lot of things...

"if we really want to be good, let's not do it half-heartedly, choosing only to do what is conveniently "good". difficulties won't go away even if we do good to others. people will still cheat us even if we are honest to them...

sometimes, it's much easier to do what everyone else is doing. but then again, that is not anymore part of the principles that we are trying to preach. we always told ourselves that we will make a difference, make that change - but it seems the difficulties and huge challenges are making us forget what we really believe in.

but i won't give up. because i believe in God's faithfulness and how much great are the rewards to make that conscious effort to do good, to choose to do God's plans.

Lord, let our ways be Your ways and Your mind be our mind.

something new to deal in the household

i never thought my husband and i would succumb to getting household help. but we did. we did everything on our own for the 5 months we got married. i never pushed the idea of household help despite the fact that i grew up with one even until i got married but yos knew it was the best thing. doing laundry with a bulging tummy did not exactly comfort him and the fact that much of our time is consumed by doing household chores, we just had to get one.

and now, this. i never imagined having one is also a huge responsibility.

she's young, almost 18 (she's turning 18 this april) and we know her family because of my husband's work. she was supposed to be hired  by somebody else but we decided to keep her. when i oriented her, i specifically told her that i will allow her to go home to her province for the month of february but she cannot leave starting march until june. she said yes to the condition.

 and last thursday, she asked if she could go somewhere this coming weekend. although i had the inkling that she was being invited in something (i can't help but overhear her calls, you know), i expected her to say no, with our agreement in her mind.

and now, this is what is troubling me. and my husband a bit.

she was asked to attend a gathering of youth between different religious sects. i told my husband that my answer is NO, no matter what. i will only allow those trips if it's family related emergencies. and it's far from it. my husband, being inquisitive, asked why they need to gather at such place (it was a bit remote place for a gathering of such grand), and she said that it was prophesied that it is the place they should gather. oh-oh. can you just imagine how my brain is whirring with questions and retorts - but i kept quiet. i wanted my husband to deal with it first. husband asked what they were going to do in the gathering. she said they will be taught how to read the Bible and how to preach. husband asked who initiated such gathering, who will be in-charge like pastors. she said only available pastors who can come will attend it. more oh-oh. she's been with us for a month only and i'm not sure if she really is this religious. husband asked how long she has been involved in this kind of activity, she said only recently.

ans she has this "fasting" thing going. she just declares in the morning that she won't be eating for 2 meals. husband asked how does she know when to go on fasting. according to her, she is told in her dreams to go fasting. and sometimes, the Holy Spirit whispers bible verses to her and that's when she know she needs to fast. yes, i keep my poker face on.

husband and i are not from the same religion, but we never argued about faith. i have nothing against other religion, beliefs or whatsoever. i believe in respect. but this is definitely something i am at loss to deal with. she's young - and we know how easily we get swayed and influenced when we were young and trying to prove ourselves. and this fasting thing is making me uncomfortable. i mean, how will she keep up her energy to do household chores if she doesn't eat? and what if she gets upset stomach or ulcer or something? maybe we find such kind of practice a bit uncomfortable and even a bit doubtful because it's not institutionalized like Catholic fasting on Lenten Season and those of the Islam's Ramadan. i am worried that she might be so into this thing because of our house atmosphere. to be truthful, we do not have TV yet. because husband and i find it a bit distracting. but i think our household companion needs this. she needs distraction - any kind of of distraction. we just found out that she reads the bible half of the day.

sigh.

i wish i could do something about this. she's a good kid - she comprehends instructions easily. and she's a jolly kind of person. but i think she is mightily bored being stuck at home for almost 10 hours everyday, with no one to talk to. we told her to read our books and she finds them boring. we have plans to send her to school next school year - but we realized we need to bridge her high school learnings first especially in english and math. i wanted to tutor her but right now, i am really busy with business and trying toi be a superwoman.

sigh. something need to be done about this. and fast.

how Mommy and Daddy prepared for Saree, part 1

i am going to stop starting my entries with apologies that this is a long overdue blog. ok, this will be the last one. ha ha.

CHILD BIRTH PREPARATION CLASS
yos and i decided to take childbirth preparation classes because as new parents, i know we both need it. sure, our parents could give us a tip or two (and even unsolicited ones, ha ha!), but we wanted to learn on our own. believe me, our parents, no matter how good their intentions, would always tell us what worked with them while they were raising us. but yos and i want to take this parenting thing differently and take it as our own. i just want our parents to enjoy their new status as grandparents.

i asked my OB and she gave me alex's number of The Pod. we enrolled for the january 2012 class (and i realized we were actually enrolled really early with my EDC scheduled on april, ha ha!)..

it was a really fun class. it was nice to meet a lot of pregnant women. alex is an amazing teacher, or if she gets to reads this, she might say "facilitator". everything in class is an eye-opener. i never realized IV's are unnecessary interventions during labor. i mean, everybody expects you to be hooked up in an IV when you are in a hospital. the breathing exercises were really helpful. i practice them every time i have my braxton hicks. what i loved about the class is how set my mind now is about giving birth - that it's nothing to be afraid of. as i've said in my previous blogs, i am not scared anymore of the pain. i have prepared myself mentally and psychologically. (but you know sometimes, i get the jitters...but it's not about the pain...will have a separate blog about this though..) another thing that is really great about the class is alex's positivity is so infectious. i realized, all pregnant women needs to keep a positive attitude. the class taught me to love every part of my pregnancy - yes, including back pains. it is such a wonderful journey to motherhood. and husbands/fathers really need to be part of these classes. it makes them understand what their wives are going through. and that they are part of the pregnancy too.

we graduated last feb 4 and here are some of the photos..

our certificate! already in my document kit of my hospital bag :)

excited parents

batchmates!

and of course, with alex!
thank you to all our classmates. let us all enjoy this wonderful gift of parenthood :)

thoughts at my 35th week

you'd probably think that my first sentence for this is: "i'm almost there!"
yeah, i really am almost there. and suddenly my brain is flooded of gazillion, overwhelming thoughts.

i've been talking with Saree every night, telling her she can come out after march 19 because i believe we will both be ready for it. (although i'm already 36 weeks this march 4...) .. i also tell her what she needs to do (like she needs to be engaged well in my pelvis..) ... she moves a lot every time i talk to her but you know, it's her and my body's call when it is ready to give birth.

i worry about a lot of things. in fact, i have not yet finished buying her stuff. i have not started on washing her clothes. i am actually annoyed at myself that i am trying to accomplish a lot of things - that i try to be a superwoman. i know i should concentrate on giving birth, being a mom and being a wife. the thought of labor and pain is not stressing me out. i have already prepared myself for that. i am actually worried about responsibilities i will be leave behind, the mess that it will be in and the fact that i will be the one to sort them out when i come back. in short, i am worried about stuff not related to motherhood. does this make me a bad mother? i feel like i have placed so much responsibility in my life that i want to kick myself right now.

which led me to thoughts about being a mom..will i be able to stop her from crying? will i be able to take care of her? will i be able to discipline her? will i be able to stop a tantrum? will she like me or will she like her dad better? gah, endless worries about parenthood now.

and the thing i am worried the most is will i be able to balance my career and being a mom? i love my work, my business but i know everything has to take a back seat once Saree comes out. because God gave Saree to us and we have to raise her to be good person. it's our responsibility now.

getting married is an eye-opener. but i think having kids is life-changing. and how much will change - that scares me too. but God has blessed me with this gift of life, and i know God will give me the grace to go through this. my mom did it, my mother-in-law did it.

so yeah, i'm almost there.

- FriendS -