oh my sleeping child...

watching my sareebee sleep is such a heavenly treat. there are times (especially at night) that i stare at her before i go to sleep. it just wipes all your weariness, i swear. right now, i've been putting Saree on a face down sleeping position in the morning because she sleeps better with and she gets less distracted with the noises. at night, she sleeps side lying or on supine. here are some of her picture-worthy sleeping poses :)

(note: sareebee is my nick for her everytime she wears her washable nappies because her butt is so big like jollibee, hehehe.)

sareebee sleeping and this is her wearing washable nappies. so cuteeee!

i am in love with my angel :)

adorable, isn't she? hahaha!

"i will breastfeed!"

ever since i became pregnant, i already decided that i will breastfeed my baby. i knew the great benefits of breastfeeding. in fact, i got into endless arguments with my mom who insisted we buy feeding bottles. she says it is impossible for Saree to be exclusively breastfed. at first, i insisted i don't need them yet. i would buy them a month before i go back to work as i would leave expressed milk for my baby. on our second baby shopping trip, i gave in. i bought the one that came with a manual breast pump. Y and i were planning to buy an electronic breast pump, we just wanted to try expressing it manually first.

the first time i fed Saree, she latched well. and it didn't hurt like most women complained, nor i had sore nipples. i thought everything was going well.

Saree's first night with us was not good. she kept crying and crying. she would only stop crying if she latches on me and fall asleep and if her Daddy carries her. worse, she easily gets awaken by small sounds and would cry again. i hardly slept that night. i got discharged the next day (which was a bit quick for someone who underwent a CS) and Saree at our home was worse. she kept crying, demands to feed every 30 minutes and refuses to be put down to bed. the next day was no different - except that Y and i had no rest at all. she had a slight fever in the afternoon but i dismissed it as reaction to the really terrible summer heat. my mom kept insisting that maybe Saree is very hungry. still, i insisted that Saree is feeding well.

on a holy thursday, Saree got a fever again. and it was a bit higher from the previous day. i texted my pedia and told her how Saree has been doing ever since we got discharged. she diagnosed it as dehydration fever. we were advised to feed her formula milk immediately.

if fear had a face, it would be mine.

good thing i bought feeding bottles. (my mom really knew what she was talking about...) - we fed her right away. and the result was instant - she slept peacefully for the next 3 hours. we didn't want to wake her for her next feeding but pedia insisted we feed her every 2 hours to catch up with her liquid requirement.

it was the longest holy week i endured. i cried out of frustration that night. how could i fail to listen to my baby's need? how could i not know as her mother? how could i be so stubborn? Y and i felt really bad because we didn't listen to Saree. (and my mom included..) i was also advised to hold off my breastfeeding since Saree needs to be monitored for infection from the dehydration. but it was one of the instructions i did not exactly follow.. i would still make her latch after her drinking of formula milk. i still believe that no matter how small the amount of breastmilk she gets from me, it will still be the best for her. and also i was afraid Saree would get nipple confusion and might not latch on me once she gets used to the bottle. after april 9 (when she was checked by the pedia and thank you Lord for her good health despite what happened), i was given the A-OK to go back to breastfeeding. but, my milk supply did not improve. i pumped and all i got was 1.5 oz from both breast. i have to continue with the formula milk because i did not want to go through the dehydration thing again.

i felt like a failure. i cannot produce something that comes naturally. i already gobbled enough soup (with malunggay and other green leafy veggies) enough to make me feel sick about eating it. i took capsules of malunggay supplements. i drank plenty of fluids and ate lots of fruits and vegetables. but my breastmilk cannot satisfy Saree in one feeding. probably because she got used to being full of being bottle feed that i cannot catch up her daily milk requirement. and we only feed her 2oz every two hours and i cannot produce that. i felt sad with it. but i would still make Saree latch on me an hour after she feeds her formula milk. i'm not even sure if i am overfeeding her by doing such. but i have to give her the milk i have, no matter how small. Y told me to pump my milk but i cannot seem to get a schedule when i'm at home because Saree loves to latch on me every after feed. most of the time, she can't seem to sleep if she can't latch.

right now, i went back to work for 10 days and i have committed to leave Saree expressed milk daily. so i brought my pump and pumped once in the morning and once in the afternoon. i wanted to start a schedule as early as now before i fully go back to work in june. i produced a total of 4oz that day. however, after doing it for 3 days, i had a meeting that lasted for a day and i was not able to pump even once. and my breasts felt so full and engorged. i went home and pumped the 1 breast and got 2oz and let Saree feed from the other. the next day however, i pumped in the morning and i got less than a half ounce. then i pumped again in the afternoon, same result. i got worried. what happened to my milk? anyway, i decided to stick to my pumping schedule and by june, insert one pumping before 11am, despite the low quantity i get. i'm hoping that this will help me improve my milk supply.

it's not easy, believe me. i still envy mom who are exclusively breastfeeding but i am determined to produce breastmilk as much as i can. there are times that i am tempted to just feed formula for convenience. but no, i want the best for Saree that is why i will breastfeed! :)

my first output at pumping! yay!

my pumping buddies..i carry them everyday. there's my manual breast pump from avent (planning to buy electric once my milk supply improves) then there's my storage bottles and my jug with ice pack to transport my expressed milk.

musings of a new mom

so much has happened in a year.

i got married, went into a big business with my bestfriends, moved to our new home, got pregnant and now i have a 1-month old baby. in fact, last Holy Week 2011, i was busily making my wedding invitations and this year is busily spent with feeding baby and changing nappies.

yes, all in a year (actually, all in 10 months).

but among all that has happened, having Saree made the most impact in our lives, especially to me.

it is the most wonderful thing that happened to me. just holding her gives me that sense of fulfillment and joy that i could not understand. her smell is so addictive. she is a sight to behold - i always want to watch her sleep. sleepless nights is actually 50% getting up to feed her and 50% just staring at her while she sleeps. her smiles really melts my heart - even in the wee hours of the morning.

it's not easy though. i'd be a hypocrite if i say that i never felt tired and frustrated. i had to grit my teeth during those times that she refuses to be put down to bed. sometimes, one could not have enough time to bath or even eat.

i had the right mindset for this. i told myself, i am ready. God prepared me for this. He wouldn't give Saree to us if we weren't. in fact, i would just smile when first time moms would complain to me how tiring it is. i thought to myself, "it'd be different with me.." HA! i just realized how naive i was. having the right mindset did not erase the sleep i crave but it became a reminder of what i am blessed with.

and those nagging fears - i have lots. pedia is in my phonebook. every redness or a new spot i did not notice an hour ago is consulted. but my fears are more on her being. it's a huge responsibility - we are called not only to raise her physically well but also raise her to become a good person. will i be able to discipline her? yos and i want her to believe in the beauty of her dreams and her ability to achieve them and a lot of things. i always believe that children are reflection of their parents. i am proud to say that my parents will always be praised because of what we have become. and now it's my/our turn.

although i had a month more in my maternity leave, i could not help but feel sad, anxious and scared about leaving Saree with a yaya. in fact, i felt like a hawk while letting my yaya hold her. i'm like an ogre if something is not done my way with Saree, even my husband knows this. it's like my OC-ness had escalated to unimaginable depths. yesterday was my first test of going back to work (i had to go back to work for 10 days due to responsibilities at work that only i can accomplish..)...Saree did fairly well the whole day. she fed, she slept, cried reasonably then went to sleep. her mommy did fairly well, i guess. i finished a lot of things but i kept clicking photos of Saree. i miss her. at the tick of 5PM, i jumped from my seat and went straight home. i arrived at home with her crying frantically - even her Daddy cannot comfort her. i knew right there and then that she is looking for me - she wants to feed on my breast. and she did. who would want to leave her behind after that?

i realized, i have to go back to my routines. i have to go back to work. i have to take care of myself. i have to take care of my husband. at first, my mind is whirring what to do first. i cannot even find time to wear my earrings everyday, as i am frantic in preparing her stuff, giving instructions to the household help, taking care of my husband and everything else. i always breastfeed her before leaving in the morning for work. it's something that i want to be her routine with me - no compromises.

i guess, every new mom goes through this phase and passes it with flying colors. our moms and our grandmothers did it. moms with super huge careers did it. and i guess i will too. and i'll be picking up a lot of lessons along the way. i will enjoy going back to my childhood, learning about sibika all over again, learning basic addition and subtraction all over again, singing our nursery rhymes, reading children's books...then it will be running all over the place to catch her, picking her food and soon it will be about clothes, boys, careers and her work. Saree and i and her daddy will be having the time of our lives :)

and this sunday, it's mother's day. i feel so blessed to be part of this journey called motherhood. so to all  mothers out there, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.
happy mother's day to me :) (me and 2 day old Saree)
*group hug*

it's probably a job that never gets done, but it's the MOST WONDERFUL WORK I'VE EVER DONE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE :)

1 month old Saree

we celebrated Saree's 1st month with a trip to her pedia for her immunization, then i brought her to the mall and to my workplace. she pretty much slept the whole time, so i guess when Saree sees this when she's older, she'll probably laugh. he he.
on the way to her pedia ... i just realized she looks like a boy here. hahaha.

we tried to made her wear one of our baby items. Saree is so cuteeeeee....and round. and the accessory does not fit. YET. just wait and see.

Happy 1 month-old Saree. she is just so sleepy here. sorry sweetheart, mommy and daddy and tita mavin just can't help it but take this photo..and the thing is, Saree has pooped here. we still took A LOT of photos despite the smell. ha ha ha.

i think this is Saree protesting about her poop getting in the way. "Mommy, please change my diaper."

our favorite expression of Saree ... ooooh.

Mommy, Daddy and Saree is LOVE.

with Tita Mavin

before we changed her diapers ... Saree is just so adorable with her facial expressions!

- FriendS -