bite your tongue

i am honestly biting my tongue and inner cheeks because i want to rant about something but i do not want to say/write things that i will really really regret later so i am reminding myself of the greater picture.

it all started with the broken glasses and then nag nag nag. wagas talaga to bring someone to loss of patience. and i slightly blew my top (sorry), which i am now greatly regretting. *sigh*

i need to calm down and reflect. i'll listen to my himig heswita songs. bye!

beautiful differences

this will not be a long post but i cannot help but realize how different my husband and i are. i told him to read this new website i discovered about toddlers and he said he's busy reading about investments and finances, which to be truthful, i find a bit tiresome. i prefer easy-read, idiot-proof types of literature for that. so i am willing to read the toddler website and share what i learned to him and he can read what he likes and share to me. that way, we learn from each other.

marriage still perplexes me but in a lot of wonderful ways :)

PS: my long blog about this will come later. just posting a thought bubble.

To Parents of Small Children..(A Repost)

 To parents of small children, let me be the one who says it out loud.
(Steve Wines)

I am in a season of my life right now where I feel bone-tired almost all of the time. Ragged, how-am-I-going-to-make-it-to-the-end-of-the-day, eyes burning exhausted.

I have three boys ages 5 and under. I'm not complaining about that. Well, maybe I am a little bit. But I know that there are people who would give anything for a house full of laughter and chaos. I was that person for years and years; the pain of infertility is stabbing and throbbing and constant. I remember allowing hope to rise and then seeing it crash all around me, month after month, for seven years. I am working on another post about infertility that will come at a later date.

But right now, in my actual life, I have three boys ages 5 and under. There are many moments where they are utterly delightful, like last week, when Isaac told my sister-in-law that, "My daddy has hair all over." Or when Elijah put a green washcloth over his chin and cheeks, and proudly declared, "Daddy! I have a beard just like you!" Or when Ben sneaks downstairs in the morning before the other boys do, smiles at me, and says, "Daddy and Ben time."

But there are also many moments when I have no idea how I'm going to make it until their bedtime. The constant demands, the needs and the fighting are fingernails across the chalkboard every single day.

One of my children is for sure going to be the next Steve Jobs. I now have immense empathy for his parents. He has a precise vision of what he wants -- exactly that way and no other way. Sometimes, it's the way his plate needs to be centered exactly to his chair, or how his socks go on, or exactly how the picture of the pink dolphin needs to look -- with brave eyes, not sad eyes, daddy! He is a laser beam, and he is not satisfied until it's exactly right.

I have to confess that sometimes, the sound of his screaming drives me to hide in the pantry. And I will neither confirm nor deny that while in there, I compulsively eat chips and/or dark chocolate.

There are people who say this to me: "You should enjoy every moment now! They grow up so fast!" I usually smile and give some sort of guffaw, but inside, I secretly want to hold them under water. Just for a minute or so. Just until they panic a little.

it's not always mommy.

since i'm a working mom, S is being cared for a yaya except on weekends and holidays. i never worried about yaya attachment before. S always prefer me over her yayas, even me over my hubbs. yes, mommy rules!

i guess it does not stay that way, huh?

when S wakes up, it greatly depends on her mood whether she likes me or  not. i ask for a morning hug, it depends on her mood whether she'll do it cheerfully or get annoyed at me for trying to hug her and turn her back on me. i try not to let it get me. she's being a toddler.

when she slides down from our bed, she calls out for her yaya. even if yaya is out for her rest day, she calls out for Ate T. it's a morning routine that she walks outside until the morning heat is bearable (until 7AM only, i tell you..) and if it's a work day, its her yaya who takes her out for that morning walk. i feel guilty and greatly sad about this but as a working mom, i've got to accept things that i can and cannot do.

when i attended a conference and stayed the night for it, S threw a tantrum after i called. she is looking for me, that's for sure. its mommy who puts her down to sleep. i told my husband that i will not call again, that he has to comfort her on his own and just do his best. it took me a lot of self-restraint to not go home that moment. and i did not want to call again because i will definitely start crying if i did. i was not able to sleep well that night. y told me that he was unable to comfort her and it was ate T to the rescue. i'm not sure if that made Y feel sad. if it did, he sure is bearing it well. i am not.

new books we got on sale!

i've said it before and i'll say it again - I CAN STAY LIVE IN A BOOKSTORE. and i am not even picky - thrift book, chain outlets, library - any place filled with lots and lots of books - i will camp in there if i can. and i am really happy that S loves books at an early age (she's 1 year and 5 months) so we always make it a point to buy her books as much as we can.

so we took S last month for some book shopping and my daughter was hilarious. when we got to the book place (if you wanna know, i'll message you, hahaha!), S picked up a book, sat on the floor and started taking the books out of the shelf and reading like she owned everything there. it was so cute, i swear.

back on track.

i was a bit of down this week because last tuesday i confirmed that i have a urinary tract infection. *sigh* monday afternoon and evening i was peeing with blood and that terrible, terrible, terrible pain. peeing was traumatizing. i was even traumatized with it than going through my birthing labor. there's a beautiful baby at the end of my pain but with this UTI, nothing but antibiotics.

Y bought me fresh buko juice that night to help me pee more often, which was not really a good idea because i will experience more pain and i was crying every time i had to pee. and i was starting to get chills. i decided to eat pomelo (rich in Vitamin C) to fight the chills and by some unexplained reason, it helped minimized the pain. and i lost some sleep because i had to get up every 2 hours to go to the restroom. it really sucks, big time.

i went to see the doctor the next day because i have a 2 day meeting the day after next and i cannot let this infection make me miss it. whew, the relief from drinking the antiobitic was instant - the burning sensation was gone, thank goodness.

but this experience made me realize that i have been neglecting my health lately. i've been drinking less fluids the way i use to and i've been putting hold my pee more than often. and all those other things that contributed to me getting this infection. but i am not making excuses i should just take care of myself. now i am back on track. i cannot allow this infection to get to me again.

Family Portrait by Ronnie and Farrah Photography

i am addicted to family portraits. this is something really different from the narcissistic me who used to love having my photoshoot. actually, i am not that confident anymore because my body is not really bagay na. (laughs) going back to the topic, i always make it a point to have our family photo taken every time we are in a scenic place (latest was our GenSan trip). but i have not done it professionally. i dislike portraits in studios because i don't like the ambiance. or maybe, i am just really choosy over who will take our photos. i am weird that way. sorry.

and, tadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. our first professional family portrait done by good friends from Ronnie and Farrah Photography (yes, my Guest Mom Farrah). this is not a sponsored post although they did our portraits kasi friends naman kami because Ronnie and Farrah are REALLY nice people. so as part of my gratitude, i told them i'll blog about them in exchange for the nice thing they did for us. and they still went all the way and blogged about us :)

it all started when i just asked Farrah if Ronnie does family portraits. i knew her husband Ronnie does photography. i asked how much is their professional fee because i wanted to save for it since i wanted to go all out on it. ewan ko ba, Farrah offered na okay lang basta may food. ikaw? tatanggi ka ba? (laughs) and i was ecstatic because Y never says no to food! so we had it set on july 31 because coincidentally, we have no work on that day. when the sched date got nearer, bigla akong dinalaw ng hiya. so i told Farrah that i am hoping that our "photoshoot" will not mess up their schedule (because nga diba, the couple are here for their vacation). after much reassuring from both sides, we pushed through with it. the weather that week was a bit insane, so there was still a huge probability that it will not push through. and i am happy that it did!

Guest Mom on the Block: Maan (Sept 2013)

and just like's a -BER month already. and to welcome the first month of -BER, we have another Guest Mom on the Block.

readers, please say hello to my friend, Mommy Maan. of course, you remember her. i featured her cupcake business Pink Apron, a few months ago. and now she is back to share how she is enjoying her new role as a mother.
Mommy Maan/Iah is mommy to an adorable 8 month old, Nathan. she is also a full time wife to Pher and "part-time" baker at Pink Apron.

the book that made S cry

i bought this book yesterday because it was on sale and S (1 year and 5 months) particularly LIKES "real" picture books. when i gave it to her the first time, she was ecstatic. she can actually see real pictures (not cartoons) of animals.

it really started to get weird when we were doing our bedtime routine of reading. i was singing the old mcdonald song while pointing to the picture of the animal. and i was shocked that S looked at me while her eyes were brimming with tears. and S is the type that the area around her eyes reddens every time she cries real. OMG, was i that a bad singer?

the working mom

it took me awhile to finish this story because i thought my way is clear - to go back to work after my maternity leave. for economic reasons, we need the pay. and my work comes with a very GOOD benefit package, a benefit that i would be insane to let go. and more than that, i prayed and waited for this job for 6 long years. but every time i read about SAHMs (stay at home moms) or WAHMs (work at home moms), i envy their set-up of being with their kids most of the time.

i have to share that after being confined for 3 weeks straight at home, i admit i was getting....restless (i never use the word bored because i am never bored). i want to do something else! it felt terrible to want to do something else than revel in the beauty of my baby. i focused on the happy feeling that i have S and she has me 24/7 to tame the restlessness but it began showing in another form: i bugged my husband. endlessly. i bugged him what time he will come home, i bugged him why he came home late - yeah, you get the digs. it was annoying for him.

i think it was part relief on his part that i had to go back to work for a week and so in the middle of my leave due to the sensitive nature of my work (read: reports that i can only make). i was on a high because i'll be doing something else but worried because S will be left in the care of a stranger. and as a mom, how could i ever do that? i have so many fears about leaving S in the care of a yaya and this post will be in 3 parts if i enumerate them. but i got past that fear and it's already been more than a year in our set-up.

but you know what my biggest fear was? that i'll miss milestones. just thinking of it before i leave for work makes me teary-eyed. but i am truly grateful to God that He made sure i never missed any of it. i was there when S giggled for the first time, i was there when S learned to roll over, sit up, stand on her own...i never missed any milestone. EVER.

i had to struggle with 2 fiends with my decision: guilt of my choice to work out of home and time for everything else.

new help on the block

we need a new household help because my mom wants Ate R back. and currently as i type this, the newcomer has arrived at home. *sigh*

i feel like i'm starting all over again. Ate R is GOLD, you know. she's been with my mom for almost 10 years and yes, she can be trusted. that is why my mom loaned her to me to watch over S's yaya and to take care of non-S related chores. the new help is NOT S's yaya but rather our all-around help. why we have 2 help is beyond me. hello, we are NOT mega-rich. it's just that i am not comfortable with the thought that yaya is doing double duty, running after a toddler and doing things around the house. i don't mind the mess and just focus on S but i am paranoid that the yaya might not be doing what i am doing despite our instructions. y is protesting that this should not be the case once S gets a bit older. i know that, but, i cannot really say until when.

anyway, i feel like once Ate R goes back to my mom's house, i'm leaving behind S with strangers. and it's not just me. S will have to get use to the new help too. *sigh* according to my mom, the new help seems nice. horrible experiences with yayas seem to rub off the enthusiasm of having a new one eh? (back read HERE, HERE and HERE.)

at the back of my head, we'll see. but to keep in the spirit of positivity, welcome Ate C.

update: i've met her last night and well, she's totally different. face is glued to her cellphone. gah, i hate pa naman helps who are like that. and she's a bit rowdy for me. but as i've said, we'll see.

BackStreet Boys!

please don't judge me! (laughs)
i cannot believe i am writing about my teenage mania in my mommy blog, but i've been listening to their songs lately (blame the short NSync reunion at VMAs 2013 - take note the only drop of sunshine from that award show) and my love for this "vocal harmony group" was re-ignited, now that i'm in my early 30's. just for a background, i was 13 years old in 1995........whew. that fact made me feel sooo ........ adult. (laughs)

thank you Internet for letting me know that the group NEVER disbanded (although kevin left them for a few years but the remaining 4 still carried on, and they did pursue solo careers between breaks as BSB). really, i never knew that! or maybe i just grew up and not hearing their song in the mainstream made me think that they were not a group anymore.

please don't judge me again if i say, the "boys" still get me kilig. it's so silly, i know!!! i am fangirling at my age. please check out their latest single, In a World Like This.

good vibe na good vibe lang ang song, i like it! they sure still got it after 20 years! yes, they are still around after 20 years, even if their teen fans already grew up and forgot about them (i'm so sorry boys but i'm back now, hahaha!) and oh boy, they sure look good for their age. Kevin is already 41, AJ is around 35, Brian is 38, Nick's 33 and Howie is 40. oh howie, he sure is aging gracefully. he looks soooo good and he can sing pala. you know, BSB in the early years, vocals were mainly Brian, AJ and Nick (whom i really find too pitchy for a boy, but he was cute then so who cares!) .... and i was like, Nick Carter is still 33? he's 2 years older than me! he should have married me when he had the chance, hmph! hahaha!

- FriendS -