One of those days I am riddled with doubt and guilt...

Over the weekend, S asked me to role play. She will be me, I will be her. And since I always follow her lead when it comes to playing, she asked me to pretend to cry.

Me: Huhuhuhu...
S: Cry ka lang diyan ha, I'll go to work.

What?! And here's another one....

During Sundays, we always wake up together. Last Sunday, I had to get up first because I was already getting a headache from sleeping too much so I decided to read (Currently Reading: Under the Never Sky by Veronica Rossi) while waiting for my mag-ama to wake up.

When S woke up, she asked me solemnly...

S: Hindi ka pa bath for work?
Me: Oh, its Sunday today. I have no work. We will play and learn all day today.
S: Yey!!!

I think my heart was crushed over the weekend. Yes, I'm a working mom and sure I've experienced guilt about my choice (who doesn't, especially when there are a lot of trolls who seem to think you are the worst mom in the world simply because you are not at home with the kids) but I have learned to take everything in stride.

But hearing those thoughts from my daughter, I now feel I am at the wrong side of everything. Suddenly, I feel I have not actually balanced my career and my being a mom. I will not spend the entirety of this blog moping about my feelings of guilt because hate me if you want, I am not entirely regretful for choosing a career.

I love my daughter, there is no doubt about that. I am loving her the best way I know. But the question that has been nagging me is, am I loving her the way she needs to be loved? And, I love myself too. That is certainly a ground for conflict, eh? What is the point of sacrifice if it turns me bitter and resentful in the long run?

Sigh. I need to mull things over. But I welcome your thoughts and insights.

My best reading companions

Now that I think about it, when did I actually stop reading? I think it was around 2010, when a lot of things happened. I mean, really, A LOT - a marriage, a child to name a few. But, I am glad that I am back to reading books. Take note, not electronically. I prefer reading the physical book - smelling its pages, touching every page. I know, I am little behind.

While our little family was doodling, I asked S if she could make me a bookmark. Since she sees me reading most of the time (and I read to her too), it was easy to explain what the bookmark was for.
S made me twirly circles and asked me to color them in colors she picked. Yes, she watched me if I was coloring her circles correctly. Haha. This was well cut but she decided last minute to trim it.
Dear hubby could not resist so he made me one too....
And currently, my dear sister is asking S to make her one. Hahaha.

If you care to know, I'm currently reading Where the Mountain Meets the Moon by Grace Lin, Under the Never Sky by Veronica Rossi and What I Saw and How I Lied by Judy Blundell. So my reading companions are actually very busy. Hehe :)

What about you? What are you currently reading?

Keeping it small and real..

I always talked about how blogging relaxes me and so on and so forth, how I enjoy doing it, but I never really shared about myself as a blogger. Honestly, I tried. But I cannot seem to make a coherent post about it so right now I'm going to blab about anything.

When I first got into blogging, I enjoyed it because it was like having a diary but allowing the entire universe read it. My blogging was like a clingy-dump-get back routine: I'd set up a blog, write a few times with vigor then completely abandon it. Sometimes, I am worried with my web footprint, if that is the term.
This blog, I told promised to myself, will be the last blog I will set up. To be perfectly honest, I had "high" hopes for this blog. I thought, I was going to be famous, I am going to get sponsored posts, I'd earn from it. But it is not that easy pala. Apart from the domain, spic layout, there's your credibility to build and identity of your blog. At first, I was undaunted, which I now find ridiculous yet somehow amusing. Okay, naive is the best word to describe it.

I did not get an own domain because I have no budget for it, and same goes for the spic layout. As for the sponsored posts, I was a bit of a success there. Along the way, I met wonderful mommies and I wanted to do something for them. But I did not do it for the sake of having sponsored posts. I did it because I want to share the best of their joys. It was at that point I think that a mommy blog was the direction I wanted to take. But still, nothing really of  my "high hopes" happened to my blog. But the thing is, I was really happy not because I increased my posts and some increased traffic but I found writing to be really enjoyable. Truth be told, I never believed myself to be a writer. But blogging has helped me improve my writing skills (okay, that is my high opinion of myself, haha!) and helped me appreciate that somehow, I have this gift and way with words. But what really made me happy and fulfilled is when someone tells me they read my blog. Just recently, a friend of mine told me that she got inspired with babywearing because she read it in my blog and finds my blog really helpful. Most of my friends tell me they enjoy reading my blog. One of my college prof told me to keep on writing. My husband tells me that he enjoys reading me - well, he should be! Hahaha. Kidding aside, THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO TOOK TIME TO READ MY THOUGHTS AND STORIES. MY HEART IS BURSTING WITH HAPPINESS BECAUSE SOMEHOW, I MUST BE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

But for now, I think I have a blogger's dry spell. And also a very hectic schedule. And a lot of distraction. Hahaha. I just feel a little guity, I guess. Guilty because I seem to be not writing often which is either I feel that nothing interesting is happening or I want to keep most of the stories to myself because I want to respect the privacy of my family and friends and my daughter most especially. Also, I'm feeling a bit lost and insecure. Every time I read blogging tips from blogging experts, I am certain that I have violated all the tips and rules ever written. I actually felt bad because the thought of deleting this blog crossed my mind, most especially when I have not posted a single thing for the past month. Nooooooo! But my resolve for now is to keep this blog small and well, real. To me and for my actual readers, at least.

So here's to getting my mojo back! I actually miss this space. And I miss my writing or rather hearing myself, haha, narcissistic lang.

- FriendS -