Boy or Girl?

So here's the summary of our wishes...

Dear husband Y wants another girl.

I, on the other hand, have no preference. A boy would be fine since we would have one of each but honestly, another girl would be as welcome. In fact, I was leaning for a girl because I already picked the perfect name, hehe.

Our Ate S...a baby brother is a boy and a baby sister is a girl. During the early days though, she wanted a baby brother.

Most people we know wishes us a boy.

I really did not want to reveal baby #2s gender because I was hoping to bring the "secret" until I give birth for the ultimate reveal / surprise but truthfully, its more of how much my EQ can handle (haha!) but somehow, my big chatty mouth let it slip that I already had a sonogram. And then, I'd meet friends whom I rarely see and you know, its seems like a legit thing to tell them since we rarely see each other nga. My EQ has limits. Haha.

So what's your guess? Boy or Girl for TeamB?

This mom's current fan moment: On the Wings of Love

I have sworn off from watching Pinoy TV series because..........they are so overly dramatic (and in the long run, dragging)! Probably the last one I watched was Kay Tagal Kang Hinintay that first premiered the loveteam of John Lloyd and Bea Alonzo and became a sensation in their own way.

At first, I was doubtful that a Pinoy rom-com and drama on TV can be pulled off. That's why I got on the craze 2 weeks after it premiered. Fine, kakainin ko ang aking pinagsasabi. Because it did and even more, even only after 10 weeks since their airing. All the fans appreciated the fast paced and easy to relate story line and of course, the overflowing kilig that James (Clark) and Nadine (Leah) bring to the whole story. Seriously, I never thought I can cry and feel kilig at the same time! You know as a working mom, believe me, the longest uninterrupted time I can have for myself is 1 hour. Well...this kababawan simple pleasure is really worth it! And please, its not kababawan when it showcases the brilliance of Filipinos. I am really proud of the team behind this TV success.

And who would have thought that this obsession liking would go beyond the TV series? Currently, I somehow find myself checking the career of JaDine. (Magrereklamo po ang aking fellow JaDine fan na si Rona if hindi ko inamin, hahaha!) Ang lakas lang talaga maka-teenager, especially James Reid. Hampogiiiiiii. Even at 27 weeks pregnant, NAGLILIHI PA RIN PO AKO. Haha.

But seriously, James and Nadine are talented, acting and music-wise. I really think they deserve projects (together and separately) that have depth and would push them to explore what they can do because I've seen their movies: Diary ng Panget - promising storyline BUT bad direction and lacked some formula that could have worked for teenage flicks; Talk Back and You're Dead - the messiest movie I've seen in my entire life but seriously can't help get mushy over the hubby and wifey term; Para sa Hopeless Romantic - too generic. But my greatest find about JaDine are their songs (they sound good together and individually) and at the same time, discovered new OPM songs to listen to, even composers to look out (Thyro Alfaro and Yumi Lacsamana). This has greatly worked to my advantage. My daughter is learning to speak Filipino (her lansangan is LAN-SA-LANG) and its easier to learn using music and songs. So, bring on the Ikaw pa rin ang hanap-hanap pa ra pap...Haha.

I just finished watching #OTWOLIgibngPagibig (Oct 15) and I loved the episode. But my most favorite part is the slam poetry. Seriously, I cried over @TheRainBro's poem this time.

Copied from Twitter. Credits to: Juan Miguel Severo @TheRainBro
This I think is one of the uniqueness I greatly like in OTWOL. I just recently "appreciated" slam poetry when I finished reading Colleen Hoover's Slammed. I like that its in Filipino. I think I'll read aloud this poem to my daughter - you know, for our Filipino language lesson :)

Lately, my colleagues and I find ourselves discussing possible scenes for OTWOL. It crops up in our conversations without our knowing. During those intense and super kilig episodes, I'd wake up at the middle of the night to pee (buntis nuisances) and check my phone and realized that I received OTWOL updates and reactions. Haha. Sometimes, we'd text each other anything OTWOL-related. Please tell me its not just us...Haha.

Our today's topic is how Clark's panliligaw will affect the characters of the series. I want to share some but it will take forever. Kami na, kami na ang dapat mag-writer ng OTWOL. Wehehe. Sino ba pwede sulatan? Baka naman valid yung naisip namin. Haha.

But then the extension happened. What the heck?! While we are glad of it, we are apprehensive because it will greatly affect the flow of the story. In fact, this week is a little slow compared to the past 10 weeks. But I have faith in the brilliance of the team, so tuloy ang kilig. Haha.

Oh dear, today is Friday. It means, no OTWOL over the weekend. Hahaha.

Eden Nature Park, August 2015 (Kai + Pao)

This is our first time to attend a "destination wedding" of some sorts, thanks (and again congratulations) to Kai and Pao for the very beautiful time and I told Y that we should do this often. No, not the wedding, but the short weekend vacation. Hahaha. And while this is also a very late post (August 2015), I just realized I postponed writing this because I did not want to "reveal" my pregnant state yet. Haha.

I'll let the photos tell the story...
With friends at the St. Michael's pretty chapel (Eden Nature Park) (Photo courtesy of Sir Bebot's FB page)
Confession: We excused ourselves from the ceremony when the rain stopped (finally!) because S kept bugging us to make her ride a horse which was the really exciting thing we kept telling her about this trip. Sorry Kai and Pao. Hehe. There goes our brave little girl :)
At the VERY PRETTY RECEPTION hall...I need to bug Yos to look for the photos I took of the reception area because I swear, it was the prettiest wedding reception I've seen..(Photo courtesy of Sir Bebot's FB page)
Hihihi...Like a little event coordinator. (Photo courtesy of Yan's FB page)

The next day, after breakfast, we took S around since we were set to go home before noon.
A little morning walk. S took this photo. I have a little photographer in the making too. S loves to take photos so we just let her tinker with our cameras.
At the Butterfly Sanctuary. S wanted to look at butterflies but was terrified when they tried to land on her...Hehe.
But finally...she allowed one. Hahaha.
The coolest thing: a butterfly fresh out of the cocoon!
I wish I have more photos but I am really lazy when it comes to taking photos. Some blogger I am, right? Anyway, we really had a great time and company, S's Ninang Net and Ninong Shid during our overnight stay. So, who's wedding bells will be ringing next? :)

Being a mom to my firstborn

Many nights ago, I got up to pee and when I got went back to bed and saw my daughter S sleeping tightly, I felt tears sting my eyes and eventually I had to hold back a sob. She used to be so tiny and I don't know, "babyish"...and now, she's a smart and very opinionated pre-school girl. And a few months from now, she is going to be an Ate (big sister). I've always thought of how Baby 2 will change our whole family dynamics and I want to start thinking about how it will be in my firstborn's world.

We decided to let S know about her coming sibling first - before anybody else. So far, she seemed joyful about it. To be truthful, she has been specifically asking for a baby brother, after she saw the newborn baby boy of our neighbor. At that time, I thought, "Oh wow. This will be a breeze." Well, well, well...Talk about "I spoke too soon."

S and I had rocky middle dealings - she with her school and I, on the other hand with my pregnancy. S got terribly sick and I was ordered to go on a bed rest. And S did not stop at being sick, she added some behavior that really baffled the heck out of us. The worst was, she would not stop crying (even while at school perhaps) - literally and was extremely clingy to me. Sleep time lang ang pahinga. Oh my dears, it was so painful to the ears and sickening to the head. There was simply no pacifying her. It was either she was afraid of something (rational and irrational) or did not like anything at all. I tell you, I started to think that my S was possessed. S was a very easy baby and toddler  - slept through the night at 2 months, learned baby signing when we taught her, a hearty eater and rarely threw tantrums. I was completely at loss on how my sweet and obedient S turned into a crying and whiny child. There was a lot of yelling, shouting and worst, I broke down into tears myself quite a few times because I was totally at lost on how to deal with it.

But there's a particular memory that I want to remember from all of it. One night, while I was cradling her to sleep (It was so difficult with the baby bump, back pains and all) and while she was whimpering, I could not help but cry myself. It was already lights out and I knew she could not see me crying. But she suddenly stopped crying and said, "Mommy, don't cry. Your eyes will get hurt." And she proceeded to wipe my eyes and kept repeating, "Stop crying na Mommy ha? I'm going to stop crying and I'm going to go to sleep now." And I cried some more silently because I reminded myself that this monster phase of hers is TEMPORARY. Somehow and somewhat - no matter how difficult it may be for me, I have to be MORE patient, understanding and loving. I need to go beyond 200% perhaps. Although it was the same thing the next day (sometimes a little tame, sometimes even worse) for both of us - she kept whining and crying and I lost my cool or kept my annoyance at bay, I kept that memory. I find this all a little sad to remember because I am awashed with guilt, shame and a lot of this-is-how-I-should-have-dealt-with-it.

We asked advise from Teacher C, her preschool teacher and suggested that S might be experiencing separation anxiety and I'm the primary cause of it. I was at first in doubt because S was well behaved during the 3 weeks orientation classes. Apparently, separation anxiety occurs at different time during school days. Some are anxious in the middle of the school year, some nearing the end. She advised that I stop bringing S to school and allow someone else to do it. By some miracle, it worked! Teacher C's words were heaven sent! And slowly, the happy S was back. She still has some quirks but they are manageable.

I don't know how S will be once the new baby comes. I have heard and read a lot of tips and suggestions but I know its either they will work or not and we have to somehow discover on our own what really works and is best for everyone. I'm trying to remember how was I when my brother arrived but I can't remember anything. I am always praying that God guide me on being a mom to my firstborn. Because I know I will be different - tired, cranky and highly emotional with all the recovery and needs of the new baby. In fact, I sense some sadness in S's eyes every time she asks me to be her student when she likes playing classroom since I can't really sit on her tiny chair. And it is heartbreaking for me too.

Our soon to be family of 4...
I know I'm not perfect but with God's grace, I learned to navigate through this parenting thing. Forgive my misses anak, but I celebrate my triumphs more than anything else. I know you will be a great Ate because you are caring and kind.

Random ramblings (20 weeks for Baby #2)

 So I posted this announcement over at Facebook a week ago and captioned it, The Big Reveal. I am actually laughing at myself for its....silliness. Seriously, a lot of friends already saw me (Ikaw ba naman mag attend ng weddings, parties and school activities all within 1 month) and I already blogged about it, so there is nothing really new in it. I was already thinking of announcing about my pregnancy after attending a beautiful wedding at Eden and I was looking through my photos and oh my goodness, I look so....darn ugly washed up! A pregnant woman is entitled to her own vanity, right?! Another wedding came, so I made sure I was all dolled-up and by some miracle the photo booth line was breezy, so there!

Anyway, I feel a little energized to talk about my pregnancy with this little dragon. I feel sad for him/her (Yep, gender is still unknown..I'm actually thinking of keeping it a secret but I have low EQ so scrap that!) because with my first pregnancy, I blogged about it a lot. And with my little dragon, there are A LOT of stories to tell, which I have not even taken time to write out.

//Even before I took my PT, I knew I was pregnant. 3 days of missed period, I was sure deep inside but I was trying to reason that maybe I was simply stressed because it was also the week I was preparing for a BIG meeting.

//With my dragon, I prefer to sleep than eat which is the exact opposite with S! After 5 months, I only gained 3.5 kilos which I think was mainly caused by my challenging 1st trimester but still, with this pregnancy, I can be very choosy with what I eat. During our wedding anniversary (around 13 weeks), Y and I celebrated with a lunch buffet and I mostly ate maki from the buffet table. And I completely ignored the dessert section which was really a first for me. My husband was actually shocked.

//I call my wee one "dragon" because I am simply hooked with the animated movie How to Train Your Dragon (1 and 2) during my 1st tri.

//I easily get annoyed and pissed off nowadays but I rarely cry. With S, I was always in a good mood but I cry at the drop of a hat.

//Current likes: On the Wings of Love mostly because of James Reid (one of my official na pinaglilihian..I know, so jeje! But I was a huge fan of Kim Chiu with S when in fact I really don't like her, so please don't judge me harshly. Haha!).

//Weird dislikes: White bread, Milo

//Weird food cravings: Anything with tomatoes-pasta, salad, salsa, it, I will gobble it; pork sinigang or anything sour for that matter, guava and raw mangoes with vinegar and salt as sawsawan and in season fruits. I am seriously salivating.

//I dress better now maybe because I know what to expect and that is to buy clothes that I can still wear 3 months post-partum. I looked like a drab in my first pregnancy because I still cannot accept how much clothes I had to let go. And another reason for my superb wardrobe is my friend Ianne, who sold me her pre-owned maternity clothes and well, I don't say no if its from a certified shopaholic. Haha.

//I experienced my first TVS and oh my golly, I disliked it. But that uncomfortable thing confirmed that my little one already has heartbeat at 9 weeks :) (I heard S's heartbeat at 11 weeks.)

//I felt the first kick at around 19 weeks.

I am determined to write more stories. Haha. Until the next post, dear readers :)

What I've been up to....

...for the past 4 months? I know, I've been quiet. The past 4 months has been a roller coaster ride, so to speak. It still is, actually.

First, I dealt with my 1st trimester. That's right, we are expecting our 2nd child!!! I'm currently on my 18th week. And while I am ecstatic and grateful, the earliest weeks (9th to 12th week) has been particularly rough tough. I've had several health issues that kept me far from being calm and relaxed. The medicines I took messed up my rhythm - I was moody, tired and retching my guts out.

Believe me, it is so damn hard to be the blooming pregnant lady.

Can I be honest with you? Yes, I am happy and grateful for the new life I have been blessed with. We have been planning this. I just did not expect that things would actually be............difficult. Okay, make that completely different and challenging. Maybe its one of the reason I kept putting off announcing it in my "social networks" (although I've told a few friends and some saw me with the bump, that is inevitable) - I feel I have not completely reveled in the coming of my new baby. I wanted to keep it to myself for a while. I've decided to write about it partly for subtle announcement (those who will read this specific post will know) but I think for now, I enjoy the privacy of not publicly announcing it over social media. Feeling artista lang. Haha.

Right now, I feel like I'm not doing a good job as his/her mom. I want to sleep or rest, but I am kept busy with a lot of things, all of them are things I really need to do. 2 weeks ago, I've been ordered for a bed rest, I felt like I have not even rested at all. I will talk about that week in a separate post. I had a breezy-walk-in-the-park pregnancy with S so imagine my surprise and bafflement with my little wee dragon. I was starting to get frustrated over my body because I feel I am not strong enough, tired and distracted, giving in to my fatigue. I was worried that I was neglecting my husband, being impatient with my eldest child and lagging with my work duties. Being a mom of two is surely a new adventure and I am just at the starting line.

Another thing that's been up on my ride is, I'm taking care of a preschooler. I have officially signed up my mornings to sudden tantrums and traffic rush. Lately, I've been wondering what has happened to my sweet and obedient girl. She is now witty, opinionated and whiny. My pregnancy hormones are not exactly helpful to my patience. But pregnant or not, my daughter needs me too. And its a lot to be needed, by a three year old and a baby in my womb. I am truly grateful to my husband for being really patient with me during these times. I have not been a cute wife lately. Hahaha.

Add to my struggle challenges was another episode with a runaway yaya. She was with us for 3 months and after those futile months, we decided to send her home and when she found out, she left. I wish I had the energy to tell you about her but it will bring about so much negative energy, I better not. Oh well. And she left just when S was about to start school. Imagine the chaos and the schedules that were thrown out of sync.

As of the moment, everything is calm but not exactly challenge free. There are unexpected hiccups every now and then but I believe God will strengthen me, for my husband and my children.

Ooooh..its so good to be back here, just writing my thoughts. I stopped blogging because one, I was really busy with my family and mainly work, two, everything in the blogging world seems to be about sponsorship and branding and I felt ashamed of my little and irrelevant space and three, I suddenly wanted to respect my family's privacy and posted less and less stories.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and finally you know my happy state (lest you already saw me). Haha.

Imaginary friends, anyone?

I know, they are normal. At first, S crept the heck out of me when she said that her friend is staring outside our window. Ang lakas maka-nerbyos. Haha.

But I am thankful for the imaginary friends. Her friends are all boys, named after characters from her books and one is from her favorite movie. I am actually paying attention to her dynamics with the "friends". I am glad that they are all playmates. They appear when S is playing her pretend outing sa beach/pool/mall. None of those scary stories on how the "friends" ask them to do something wrong. Now that is just plain hair-raising creepy.

So what do we do?

We simply play along. This is the first Internet article I've read about this but I plan to read books (not until I'm finished with Panic! Sorry, currently reading a cannot-put-down book. Haha!) I'm just not sure until when this "friends" should exist because I think there should be an end to it too. Somehow.

What about you other mommies? Please share your funny and helpful moments with your child's imaginary friends.

I'm also at Twitter. And not a fan of IG, sorry. Haha.

Powers and parenting

One night, my darling girl asked me why Kiki lost her power. For the unaware, she meant Kiki from Kiki's Delivery Service. So I tried to explain Kiki's insecurities and fears, in words that will be understood by a toddler. And she proceeded to ask me, what is my power. I told her that I am a human, unlike Kiki who can fly and my only power is to love and be good Mommy and be good to other people. Seriously, I told my daughter those things.

S: I have power too! I can draw house. I can draw circle. I can jump, run, dance, eat ako lang, swim...(she said a lot, I cannot remember them).

Me: Yes you do, S. You have the power to do all those things and as you grow older, you will have more.

I cannot believe I am having this conversation with my child. Sometimes, I feel so inadequate. Should I do something about that conversation? Should I pile on activities, readings or whatever to push? Until this moment, I have no answer to myself. My toddler, with all the things she says, has taught me to pause and be reflective. I cherish it greatly. It is during these moments that I feel gratified that somehow, in some ways, and with God's grace, we are doing it right.

On a lighter note, we enrolled S in summer school just near our residence for classroom and social exposure. I was a bit worried because S became extra clingy and scared at the prospect of being in school on her own. Everytime school was brought up, she insisted that I stay with her. In the classroom. So I had to turn to the magic of books to help me with this and I am so blessed to pick a copy of Do I have to Go to School? Also, I think it helped ease the fear that Y and I unearthed some of our childhood photos when we were in pre-school and shared some stories to her, of how fun school will be. I'm not sure if its S's age (she was 34-35 months during those clingy moments) and when she turned 3, all of a sudden she shed those moments like it never ever happened.

I was awed that on her first day of summer school, she just entered the classroom without fuss, no drama, no tears. Heck, she even shooed me away telling me she has a lot of things to do. I think it was me who wanted to cry. Of happiness. And of the fact that my baby is a big girl now. However, I am still bracing for the big school. But I've learned my lesson: I will not worry. Haha.

I think this will be a more exciting and I believe more challenging phase in parenting now. Let's do this!

Terrific Three's!

My daughter will turn 3 over the long and solemn weekend. Three years ago, I also gave birth on a Holy Week. I guess my daughter's birthday, one way or another, will fall on a Holy Week.

Funnily enough, we enjoy S more than ever. She is an endless chatterbox, a bottomless pit of why's and what. Being with her for 4 hours is guaranteed to dry out your mouth and squeeze out your brain cells on thinking creative answers for all her questions. It is definitely more challenging as she now negotiates for herself and spouts her own "logical" excuses. I know this year will be a big adventure for my little big bunny. One, she'll be in school and two...let's not get there yet. Haha.

We have no elaborate plans for her birthday. After all, it is a solemn weekend. We prepared a few gift bags to be given away to her friends, that's all. I am extremely proud of those packages as S made the card tags herself, with my guidance. I was supposed to post a photo of it but since I am now more scatterbrained than I've originally been, I'll show it next week. And we will definitely have cake with candles. S defines a day with cake as a birthday. However, S always requests the same thing for her birthday so we will be going on a simple summer fun next week.

People always say that time flies so fast. It does indeed. I always get sentimental every time I see how grown and big our baby has become. We still think we don't know what we are doing but God's grace has been abundant to us as her parents. And I will pray for more love to give and more wisdom to know when is enough and too much. I have modest wishes for my daughter and I pray through them, she will have bigger dreams. So here's to another year of love, smiles, manageable tantrums, silliness and everything!

Happy birthday to my little bee!

Read: The Giver

I rarely write about a book read anymore. It is because I immediately jump to another book, haha. I really can't help it sometimes. But allow me to share a really good book that I just finished. It's The Giver by Lois Lowry.
I kept thinking that maybe the world of sameness in this book would be a welcome relief - after all the endless sufferings we see and hear. I'm not thinking of the world being devoid of feelings and choices. I'm thinking of the world in a required equality, all given a role in the community to be useful, given food (no hunger), given shelter (no homeless), not allowed to possess too much of things (no greediness). But I woke up from that utopia, when I read this page...
I want to love. I want to care for others - for our relationships bring meaning to our lives. Honestly, I found the question of "Do you enjoy me?" funny. If my husband asked me that, I would say "Yes", thinking of our happy moments and "No", if I think of those times that he really annoys me (hahaha!). I love my family for everything they can give me, including their faults and wrong choices. This world - okay, that is over reaching - my country, my life is far from perfect. BUT.....I would want to have the choice to love what I have been given, the choice to believe and do a part in making it better.

This is a very powerful read about a different world. I like the straight fowardness this novel brings. Lowry has written it simply yet the effect has been profound. I am currently reading its companion book in the Giver Quarter, Gathering Blue.

What about you friends? Have you read The Giver? Please tell me what you think.
You can also tweet it to me. And yes, I'm not a fan of IG. Weird, but true.


In a few months now, I will have a child in school. Okay, that sounds a little OA, a play-schooler. While it is exciting, I have to admit I am more anxious and emotional than my daughter. Haha.

Days ago, I took her to a preschool exposure program. Its when they allow prospective enrollees to participate in actual classes. While I expected S will not want to stay in her class for the duration, I did not expect I was going to be on the verge of crying when she finally went off with a teacher.

While the kids were in class, the parents were given a short orientation about the school. While I am quite familiar with the environment, I got to tell you, I had to listen intently lest I break down and cry. I was seated beside a Mommy who's accompanying her second child.

I told her, "I'm sure you know all of this..".
She smiled and replied, "Yes, but its my daughter this time but I still want to learn for her."

I kept blinking tears away and I'm sure she had noticed it because she congratulated me on my first child going to school. At least her kind words kept me from losing it. Thank you Mommy (I cannot even remember her name, I was really emotions that time but I remember her daughter so I will look her up coming school days..).

I did not join the school tour for I have walked those walls for years now. Instead, I studied some exhibited student's work and made mental notes on where to improve on our home teaching. After a while, I composed myself at the restroom. 30 minutes had passed and no crying S was returned to me. Hehe. However upon my return, S was being comforted by the teacher aid. Wow, at least she lasted for 40 minutes. She was not crying, I think she was reasoning with her teacher why she wants to go out (Yes, she's her own lawyer at her age) and when she saw me, she burst into tears and told me, "Ayaw ko na. Enough na!"

Apparently, she did not want to join the class in their finger painting activity because according to her, "Its dirty." Again, I made a mental note to fix that. Haha. The whole 2 hours was spent on her going back to class, participating for a while, then switching classrooms on a whim, running to the playground and insisting to stay in class for the merienda. I found this last part hilarious because S was never shy when it came to eating time. She returned for a second serving and probably a third one had I not reminded her we were getting an ice cream after class. Hahaha.

After the 2 hours of beautiful chaos, I think I realized a lot - for S and for myself. When I saw the other kids were really nice to her - giving her toys, holding her hand in line and guiding her through the activity if she decided to join - I believe S will get through this. She will learn to be like them - friendly, caring and participative on her own. A big girl, that is.

As for myself, I finally realized what it meant to stand outside the classroom even when I should not, because my daughter will not go to class if I leave. Haha. But other than that, you know what are the thoughts inside my head?

...I want to be right kind of stage mother - supportive but not overbearing. Read the anatomy of a stage mother. I don't want to admit it often or it does not really show much but I have a little competitive streak. I am a bit of a sore loser. That is one reason why I love organizing. I prefer to be hands-on rather participate because I do not want to feed my little monster. Y and I agreed that we should emphasize to S the importance of learning, not the grades. But that is theory, we were talking about it when S was still learning to stand on her own. We'll see now. Haha.

...I'm still doubting thinking of this decision of sending S to a trad school. You know how homeschooling appealed to me so much. YET HERE WE ARE NOW. I remember reading from Rica Peralejo's blog (Sorry, I cannot find the exact article) about her desire to home-school her son to which Maricel Laxa-Pangilinan replied, "Have you met your child? Do you know what he wants?" This line struck me the most because I realized that we parents are often caught up in our desires to give them what we think is best, not even pausing to think on what will work best for them. I will not expand on it because I am no parenting expert and what I have to say might be misinterpreted. I do not even have a name for my parenting style. And my  husband and I do not even agree on everything. All I have is my love for my child and my desire to raise her to become a good and helpful person of the society.

...This new phase in our home means new routines. But routines are easy to implement. Its values that I want to inculcate. Now that S will be in an environment that will always be beyond my/our control, it is time for us to learn how to be more effective in our rules as parents. I am afraid of being not enough and of being too much.

I will take everything in stride now. I guess there is nothing much I can do but pray for the Grace to be the mom that S needs. Exciting times indeed. Soon.
S was very proud of this and told me repeatedly she will wait for Daddy and show this to him. Aww.

Back to the haystack problem.

At the end of this month, I will be saying goodbye to our yaya. For the 6th time in 2 years. Silly as it may sound, I hope in the world of statistics and ratio of yaya turnover, I am not the worst. This is not the first time I will lose a yaya but to tell you honestly, it feels the same: I feel betrayed and disappointed.

Our yaya got nabbed (for the lack of better term for gipirata, hehe) from us. And to think, we offered to send her to college with the same pay. And the "other camp" offered the same thing in some aspects, but not to be brag of anything, ours is a little better. Waley pa rin. That I think is where this negative feelings stem from. My husband and I are willing to chunk off a bit of our budget just for her to stay and save ourselves the tiresome search for the elusive good yaya which I think is now the needle in the haystack problem. Haha. Maybe she finds the other camp more affluent than we do. Oh well.

One thing I think other people must understand: Never, ever get someone else's household help especially if they are a yaya. The 5 I had were not previously employed except for Yaya T whom left her previous employer on her own decision because they were bringing her to a Luzon province which was not part of the deal. But maybe this is just the embittered in me talking. Hehe.

Honestly, I don't even like this yaya in terms of attitude. We find her cheeky and vulgar. But with S, she is great. So I am willed myself to swallow my personal dislike because as I've said, its difficult to find someone who can deal with toddlers well. Hubbs comforted me that maybe yaya's nowadays have an expiration date. The longest one we had before the present one is 9 months and  Yaya C has been with us for a year. So she has reached her maximum stay. Maybe. But it still does not stop me from feeling those negative emotions.

I still don't have a replacement and I am praying with all my heart that we find one soon.

When this "leaving" happens, I always go back to that nagging question of being a working mom. I'm not guilty though. I've already made peace with myself about that. Its just that I had this talk with S one night when she asked me, if I'm going to work in the morning. I tell her that I go to work because I am doing something for myself and I am helping people (I tell her specific things but I will not disclose it here..) and then I proceed to tell her that the pay I receive is spent for our house, food, clothes, her books and toys and I tell her most importantly, so you can go to a very good school. And she looked at me without batting an eyelash, "Ibang school nalang Mommy."

Who, tell me, who would not melt in guilt with that?! I could have filed my resignation with those words but I told her that for now, Mom and Dad thinks this is the best school to learn and when you reach the right age, you can choose wherever you want to study (And I meant college for that matter, haha!). I'm not sure if she understands but after that, she said okay and ran off to play.

I know some people do not agree with my choice but as I've said I am loving my daughter the best way I know. And I have come to take everything in stride every time this guilt resurfaces in times like these.

I guess its time to dig in the haystack again.

- FriendS -