Soon.

 
In a few months now, I will have a child in school. Okay, that sounds a little OA, a play-schooler. While it is exciting, I have to admit I am more anxious and emotional than my daughter. Haha.

Days ago, I took her to a preschool exposure program. Its when they allow prospective enrollees to participate in actual classes. While I expected S will not want to stay in her class for the duration, I did not expect I was going to be on the verge of crying when she finally went off with a teacher.

While the kids were in class, the parents were given a short orientation about the school. While I am quite familiar with the environment, I got to tell you, I had to listen intently lest I break down and cry. I was seated beside a Mommy who's accompanying her second child.

I told her, "I'm sure you know all of this..".
She smiled and replied, "Yes, but its my daughter this time but I still want to learn for her."

I kept blinking tears away and I'm sure she had noticed it because she congratulated me on my first child going to school. At least her kind words kept me from losing it. Thank you Mommy (I cannot even remember her name, I was really emotions that time but I remember her daughter so I will look her up coming school days..).

I did not join the school tour for I have walked those walls for years now. Instead, I studied some exhibited student's work and made mental notes on where to improve on our home teaching. After a while, I composed myself at the restroom. 30 minutes had passed and no crying S was returned to me. Hehe. However upon my return, S was being comforted by the teacher aid. Wow, at least she lasted for 40 minutes. She was not crying, I think she was reasoning with her teacher why she wants to go out (Yes, she's her own lawyer at her age) and when she saw me, she burst into tears and told me, "Ayaw ko na. Enough na!"

Apparently, she did not want to join the class in their finger painting activity because according to her, "Its dirty." Again, I made a mental note to fix that. Haha. The whole 2 hours was spent on her going back to class, participating for a while, then switching classrooms on a whim, running to the playground and insisting to stay in class for the merienda. I found this last part hilarious because S was never shy when it came to eating time. She returned for a second serving and probably a third one had I not reminded her we were getting an ice cream after class. Hahaha.

After the 2 hours of beautiful chaos, I think I realized a lot - for S and for myself. When I saw the other kids were really nice to her - giving her toys, holding her hand in line and guiding her through the activity if she decided to join - I believe S will get through this. She will learn to be like them - friendly, caring and participative on her own. A big girl, that is.

As for myself, I finally realized what it meant to stand outside the classroom even when I should not, because my daughter will not go to class if I leave. Haha. But other than that, you know what are the thoughts inside my head?

...I want to be right kind of stage mother - supportive but not overbearing. Read the anatomy of a stage mother. I don't want to admit it often or it does not really show much but I have a little competitive streak. I am a bit of a sore loser. That is one reason why I love organizing. I prefer to be hands-on rather participate because I do not want to feed my little monster. Y and I agreed that we should emphasize to S the importance of learning, not the grades. But that is theory, we were talking about it when S was still learning to stand on her own. We'll see now. Haha.

...I'm still doubting thinking of this decision of sending S to a trad school. You know how homeschooling appealed to me so much. YET HERE WE ARE NOW. I remember reading from Rica Peralejo's blog (Sorry, I cannot find the exact article) about her desire to home-school her son to which Maricel Laxa-Pangilinan replied, "Have you met your child? Do you know what he wants?" This line struck me the most because I realized that we parents are often caught up in our desires to give them what we think is best, not even pausing to think on what will work best for them. I will not expand on it because I am no parenting expert and what I have to say might be misinterpreted. I do not even have a name for my parenting style. And my  husband and I do not even agree on everything. All I have is my love for my child and my desire to raise her to become a good and helpful person of the society.

...This new phase in our home means new routines. But routines are easy to implement. Its values that I want to inculcate. Now that S will be in an environment that will always be beyond my/our control, it is time for us to learn how to be more effective in our rules as parents. I am afraid of being not enough and of being too much.

I will take everything in stride now. I guess there is nothing much I can do but pray for the Grace to be the mom that S needs. Exciting times indeed. Soon.
S was very proud of this and told me repeatedly she will wait for Daddy and show this to him. Aww.

- FriendS -